Taurus (April 20-May 20): The radar seems to indicate there's a spatial anomaly dead ahead. Is it one of those wormholes, like on Star Trek, that zip you instantly from one corner of the cosmos to another? That could be fun. Or is it more like a Bermuda Triangle-Twilight Zone-type thing? A place where up is down and two plus two equals five and you are not exactly yourself? That would be weird.I suggest a course correction. Slow your impulse engines to allow a cautious reconnaissance of the anomaly. Or else detour around it altogether.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): How would Confucius ask for a raise? How would Buddha fiddle with his career plans to take into consideration the rapidly mutating employment picture of the new global economy? How would Jesus tell his boss He had stale ideas and bad breath? Ponder well these matters, O Seeker. Your longing to be more than you are may soon be rewarded -- especially if you shower your ambitions with a little holy water, if you know what I mean. How would Joan of Arc shatter the glass ceiling? How would Mary Magdalene cut through the bullshit involved in working with a bunch of know-it-all testosterone addicts?
Cancer (June 21-July 22): The epic sweep of your imagination is legendary. Who else can travel around the world without ever leaving your bedroom? Who else can be reincarnated three times in the space of one month without having to go through the inconvenience of dying?And yet there comes a time when the majesty of your dreams and fantasies becomes just another excuse for not venturing out of the safe and comfy house. Now is such a time. Don't you dare try to take a merely virtual vacation. Hit the actual road, Jack. Take to the concrete highway. Get away from it all, even if it's just to a grocery store on the other side of town.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Out of the claustrophobic mazes and into the wild spaces with you, Leo. Finish up with the subterranean homesick blues and start scaring up some more breathing room. You've paid your dues to the game of Now You See It Now You Don't; you've performed the Hero-With-a-Thousand-Faces drama with so much aplomb that you would have made Joseph Campbell proud. But enough is enough. Now please come out and play.One caution: To avoid being spanked by trick endings, make sure all the doors are closed before you begin celebrating.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Our ancestors believed in magic. They imagined, for instance, that they had a duty to ensure the revival of nature every spring through the performance of fertility rituals. Wouldn't it be fun if there were a grain of truth in all that? Wouldn't it be cool if we really could help the crops bloom by making love in the fields?I'd like to propose that in honor of the spring equinox, you imitate our forbears just a little. On or around March 20, slip away to a private outdoor spot with the one you love best. Write down the three projects you'd like to see thrive and prosper during the upcoming growing season. Bury the paper in the good earth, then do the wild thing right on top of it.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Feeling itchy and crunchy and a little like your evil twin? Worried about that burning sensation in your funny bone? I understand your concern, but I assure you these symptoms are not what they seem. In fact, I believe they're signs of health. I take them to mean you're about to pull off the metaphorical equivalent of what every self-respecting snake does periodically: shed its skin.Think of your condition not as premenstrual but as pre-resurrectional. I'll bet you 50 bottles of Midol that whatever's giving you the willies and the chills right now will be massaging your dreams by April.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Confidential to all Scorpio Gen X grocery baggers: Ask a relative for a bundle of money so you can quit your job and write songs and short stories full-time. Confidential to Scorpio latchkey kids: I love you. I wish I could be there with you. Now turn off the TV and read a good book. Confidential to Scorpio Wonderbra-wearing Ybervixens and superstuds with a fetish for self-adoration: Do something -- anything -- that doesn't allow you to capitalize on your looks. Confidential to all Scorpios who don't fit the above categories: Do what you love most for at least an hour every single day this week.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): In Chinese tradition, every home harbors a Kitchen God who knows all the private domestic dramas. During the New Year's celebration, everyone makes offerings to the god, hoping to keep him favorably disposed. I highly recommend that you perform a similar ritual to mark the spring equinox, which is a kind of new year for you. Given all the deep, dark mysteries that have been revealing themselves in and around your kitchen lately, it'd be wise to swear the Kitchen God -- and all the household spirits -- to secrecy and solidarity. What offerings should you make? A paper dragon? Photo of a saint? An emblem of your smartest love? Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): A new study shows that people who don't read the daily newspaper or watch TV news have 35 percent fewer negative thoughts. Since your potential problem this week has to do entirely with negative thoughts and not negative events, I sincerely hope you'll heed these data. Let the other kids call you an escapist pollyanna. I'll call you wise and happy. (P.S.: To eliminate another 30 percent, avoid people who bring out the worst in you.)
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Psssst. Believe it or else. You're becoming more psychic. Whether you like it or not. Whether you believe in invisible forces or not. I don't care if you regularly absorb five hours of TV a day, consume Pepsi and corn chips for breakfast, and believe that the size of one's income is the ultimate arbiter of one's worth -- you're still experiencing a modest but tangible boost in your ability to telepathically tune in to what other people are thinking and feeling. The sooner you admit this, the less likely you'll be confused by all those curious impressions that are bubbling up in your mind's eye.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): I believe it's time to upgrade the animal symbol for Pisces. The "fishes" are just too generic and wishy-washy for a vivid, complex sign like you. As of now, I'm launching a campaign to assign you an exciting new mascot: the dolphin. Let's count the ways this match fits. As a mammal that lives in the water, the dolphin mirrors your ability to dwell in several worlds at once. It's a smart creature, but in a sensitive, playful way, like you -- not in the cold, calculating manner of the mythical fox or crow. Like you at your best, the dolphin is helpful, generous and eternally youthful. And as scientists have only recently begun to discover, it's probably the most erotically ingenious beast in the animal kingdom.