Hey, Faggot: I am a 32-year-old white male, divorced for over two years now, and I can't seem to get past the third or fourth date with a woman. When I got married -- at the tender age of 23 -- I was very much looking forward to having a family and living the American Dream. But after the first year of marriage, my wife was not pregnant. As it turns out, I have a very low sperm count.
Bluntly put: I am shooting blanks. We tried several expensive treatments, none of which worked. This led to a lot of guilt, shame, heartbreak and blame, and, ultimately, to divorce.
Now whenever I get close to a woman, I can't bring myself to tell her that I can't have children. If I do tell a woman, she disappears. Every woman my age wants to get married and have children and there is nothing wrong with that.
But what is a guy like me to do? I've tried blind dates and the personals, but it's always the same. A warm, understanding woman who, like myself, can't have children, would be the answer to my prayers. S.I.
Hey, S.I.: Don't blame your failed marriage -- or your inability to date successfully -- on your low sperm count. If not being able to make babies ended your marriage, your marriage wasn't built on a very solid foundation; sooner or later, probably sooner, it would've ended regardless of how many puppies you two managed to pump out. When a couple wants to have children, one partner's sterility can be a big, fat bummer -- but it is not an insurmountable obstacle, especially when the one with the "problem" is the male: Are there no spunk banks in your part of the country?
Your recent dating troubles, I'm guessing, have little to do with your sterility. There are plenty of single women in this world who, like you, can't have children, and lord knows there are women out there who don't want children, or who already have children -- women who would regard sterility as a point in a guy's favor. Find one. Marry her if she'll have you. Still want kids? Adopt. Become a foster parent. Help her raise her kids.
But until you meet that special someone, don't point at your balls every time you're dumped and say, "It's all their fault." You may have -- egads -- "intimacy problems," or social maladaptations that drive the chicks away. Take a good hard look at yourself and ask, "Is it really my sperm count? Or is it something else? My breath? The way I treat women? My posture? The kind of people I vote for?"
Ask female friends for their honest opinions -- if you don't have any female friends, that's a pretty good sign something's wrong -- and set to work on improving your social skills. Good luck.
Hey, Faggot: I'm a gay man who loves sex and has had plenty of it. My problem is that I really dislike buttsex. Oral sex and other types are great for me, but 90 percent of the time this leads to buttfucking and, being the consummate sex partner I am, I comply and pretend to like it. Whether I'm bottom or top -- there's nothing more awkward than faking a climax while inside someone -- the experience is invariably a major turnoff. I don't know anyone else with these peculiar feelings, and I haven't "come out" to any of my gay friends or lovers about this for fear of being ostracized or rejected sexually.
Am I alone in feeling this way? If so, should I remain "in the closet" so as to survive socially? If it means a choice between sex with some buttfucking or no sex at all, I'll just lube up and try to look happy, but it's not easy, Dan. I hope there's another option. R.W.
Hey, R.W.: You bet there's another option: Don't be such a doormat. You don't like buttsex, ya big martyr? Don't do buttsex. Plenty of gay men don't like anal sex, and plenty of gay men don't do anal sex -- I've had to break this news to I-don't-know-how-many straight people, but never before to a gay man. I find it hard to believe that none of your sex partners and none of your friends have ever admitted to not digging buttsex! I suggest you "come out."
As for the fear of rejection: If you tell a lover that you're not into buttsex, he very well may dump you. Maybe he enjoys buttsex too much to "go without," maybe buttsex is central to his sexual identity. And so he rejects you -- so what? You two weren't sexually compatible -- you weren't destined to be together. Accept his rejection like a grown-up and move on. Keep looking until you find a guy who, like you, doesn't dig buttsex, or who doesn't mind going without.
And as for being ostracized by your friends: No one gets drummed out of the gay community for not having anal sex! Don't be an idiot. I'll betcha dozens of your sex partners over the years have, like you, not been into anal sex, but fucked you or let you fuck them because you seemed to be into it. You, of course, weren't into it, you were only pretending you were since you assumed they were.
