Aries (March 21-April 19): This week it would be a bad idea to patronize shopping malls built on top of old Native American burial grounds. And it would be a good idea to wear a T-shirt that reads "I'M NOT A SLAVE OF MY BUYOLOGICAL URGES!" What? Huh? What the hell am I talking about?
Well, big spender, the fact is that you have a date with a new financial destiny, and I'd like to make sure that all your money karma is squeaky clean for the occasion. So be a saint in all matters related to buying and selling. Pay off debts. Don't purchase items whose manufacture required the torture of little animals. Contribute to charities. And don't you dare try to get somethin' for nothin'.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): I believe the history books of the future will give contradictory accounts of your recent exploits. Some will maintain that you were in exile in hell. Others will say you were on a heavenly vacation. My own personal view is that you somehow managed to visit heaven and hell simultaneously. All the grief and joy were crushed together; all the splendor and rot. In fact, because of your experiences, I now believe more than ever that heaven and hell are actually located in the same place, or at least that there's a huge zone where they overlap.
Given how strong this experience has made you, it shouldn't take you more than a few days to recuperate. Then it'll be time to take inventory of how completely you've changed.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): The Oracle: You are crossing the great water in a dream boat with a small leak. You may be able to reach the other side before going under, but then again you may not.
The Analysis: Even if you did manage to stay afloat the whole way, the unpredictability of the hassle would crank up your anxiety to toxic levels.
The Recommendation: Row back to where you started and repair the leak.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): If you ever find yourself in the position of selling your life story to the highest bidder, it might be because of adventures that ignite this week.
The fun begins if and when you decide you can't tolerate your trademark pain any longer. This upends the cosmic scales, ripping a hole in the fabric of the space-time continuum and possibly attracting the attention of a reporter from People magazine. Soon you'll have made visual contact with a previously invisible force that's been tickling your destiny without your knowledge for a long time.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): The past few weeks have brought odd victories. You've outgrown mysteries that had frustrated you for eons. You've received rewards that you no longer care about as much as you once did. And you've finally lost interest in hide-and-seek games that you'd been half addicted to long after they'd lost their power to educate you.
As wistful and curious as these revelations have been, they'll seem like prologue to what comes next. Get ready to solve problems you didn't even know you had.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You need a new bedroom name, my little love pirate, but I'm not sure I should be the one to give it to you. Maybe you could ask that bushy-tailed creature with the crooked smile to lay a fresh hot moniker on you.
If for some reason there is no such creature available to you now (though that wouldn't make sense astrologically), I'm providing the following list of generic pet names for you to choose from: Slippery Monkey, Hot Sauce, Fire Licker, Lap Diver, Fizzy Nectar, Lust Rustler, Sweaty Sweety, Rowdy Gusto, Silky Banger, Mango Sucker.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Turns out it wasn't an apple that got Adam and Eve kicked out of Eden. Many biblical scholars now believe it was a fig, or possibly an orange. I bring this up because your own personal myth of exile is coming up for review. Ready or not, it's time to question the ancient story you've always told yourself about how your paradise got lost. Clues you uncover this week should prove to you that everything you thought you knew about your origins is at least half wrong.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): It doesn't matter if you've said a million Hail Marys, or made a pilgrimage to the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem, or done all 12 Steps five times over. You will simply not be excused from the history that's repeated and repeated and repeated itself -- until you forgive yourself ... totally ... forever ... amen.
Neither does it make a bit of difference if you've finally paid your debt to society or paid your dues to those who've made it possible for you to have gotten as far as you have -- unless you've reimbursed yourself for all the grief you've caused yourself.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): A recent study provided stark evidence that making love may have dramatic benefits for your physical health. During orgasm, the average person experiences a 20 percent rise in immunosystem cell count. Keep this in mind as you edge into the Sagittarian sniffling season. In addition to getting more than enough sleep, good food and vitamin C, include regular erotic workouts in your regimen of preventive medicine.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Just in time for your upcoming burst of riotous growth, here's a useful reminder from my favorite Capricorn revolutionary, Martin Luther King Jr. "The soft-minded person always fears change. For him, the greatest pain is the pain of a new idea." I trust that in the next few weeks you'll expunge any temptation to be soft-minded -- or to be unduly influenced by mush-brained persons. The ironic corollary to King's formulation is that the changes will be painful only if you fear them.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You could fly to Florence, Italy, and purchase an antique piece of handcrafted furniture for your living room. Or you could send away to that weird store in Sparta, Wisconsin, and buy an eight-foot-tall fiberglass statue of a Johnnie Walker bottle for your bedroom. You could hang all the pictures on the walls upside down and use a felt-tip pen to write your dreams on the refrigerator. Or you could construct a secret altar in the attic and utter prayers to Baubo, goddess of belly laughs. I don't care what you do, as long as you shake and bake your household out of its ruts and trances. Rev up some domestic bliss -- or else prepare yourself for a wave of domestic ignorance.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Your Red Phase lasted from around February 22 till March 15. Your Brown Period stretched from the last week of March until a few days ago. The color therapist on our staff believes it's now time for you to launch your Yellow Era. She says that painting your room a rich lemon hue would boost your IQ and spark your communication skills -- which is exactly what my astrological diagnosis recommends. You might also consider buying a canary shirt, or snacking voraciously on bananas, or closing your eyes and visualizing giant sunflowers.
Other timely benefits from this yellow deluge: more emotional balance, a healthier respect for yellow flashing lights and a heightened intuitive sense of where to look for yellow's close cousin, gold.
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