Hey, Everybody: Two weeks ago, I ran a column full of responses to Put Out, the Neanderthal who felt women not interested in having sex -- with him in particular, judging by the tone of his letter -- should stay out of the "meat market" nightclubs he frequents. All the responses I ran were from women.
Well, a few men wrote in wondering why I chose not to run any responses to Put Out from men. In actual fact, guys, I hadn't received any responses from men when I was putting that column together. But a few letters from men have straggled in since, and so, in the interests of fairness, I'm running them now:
With guys like you around, it's a wonder women will talk to men at all. You may think women were created to serve your precious little dick, but that's not the way it works. A woman lets you buy her a drink because you might be someone she'd like. Anywhere along the line she can change her mind, just like you can -- after the first drink, or the last dance, or after she takes her clothes off. If she changes her mind, you might understandably be disappointed. But she does not owe you anything. Your dick, your arrogance and your tiny brain entitle you to exactly nothing. And why would you even want to fuck someone who has decided, for whatever reason, that she's not interested in you? Get a clue.
On behalf of all the intelligent, considerate straight males in the world, I feel compelled to write to you and apologize for the insensitive and buttheaded letter sent to you by Put Out.
I just read all the responses to Put Out, and I couldn't help but respond to him and all the others out there like him. No one likes to go out and get pestered, pawed and annoyed by some alcohol/hormone-intoxicated lout. Even worse is when the lout cannot take a hint, subtle or otherwise -- this goes for women as well as men. But these boys give the rest of us a bad rap, so I'm going to give you guys (and gals) a few hints:
1) Drunk sex is not great sex. Ninety percent of sex is brain chemistry. Excessive alcohol is chemical castration. And these days, sex is dangerous. Pound several double 'kazis into yourself and your quarry and have drunk sex with someone you barely know? Thanks, but I'd rather play Russian roulette with an automatic.
2) Ladies, all good bartenders know that if women stop coming to the club, guys won't come and they won't make money. Bartenders, doormen and waitstaff are your friends! If someone doesn't take the hint and is becoming annoying, tell them.
3) "Manners are the lubrication of all civilized societies." -- Robert Heinlein. Look "please" and "thank you" up in the dictionary. Guys: She wants an animal in the bedroom, not in public.
4) No pressure. A five- or 10-minute flirt with name-catching and a quick exit will get you much further than hanging around like a vulture, shelling out cash for drinks. It also leaves you free to meet other people.
5) It never hurt to ask for or offer a phone number. If she doesn't want it or give it, no sweat. Either she's involved, there's no real spark or she just don't wanna. So what? If you do get a number -- this is important -- relax. She may not sleep with you now or ever, but you are a contender.
6) Be honest! If things progress and all you want is sex, tell her! Maybe that's what she wants. If it doesn't mesh, it doesn't. Maybe she has friends who just wanna fuck.
Put Out has his head up his ass: Women never "deserve" to be harassed or hit on. But I certainly can understand his frustration. I've gone to "meat market" bars -- to hang out, meet my friends, listen to music -- and met women who flirted with me. Some even initiated the flirt, let me buy them drinks all night and then, at closing time, said bye-bye and walked right out of the bar. When I asked for their phone numbers, they tell me they're not interested, "have a boyfriend" or, worse yet, give me an incorrect number. Put Out should definitely be called on his bullshit, but so should women who treat men like walking bar tabs. Disrespect is a two-way street.
So there's an angry man lashing out at all the women who snub him. Fine. And here come all the predictable responses from women telling him off. Right. But c'mon kids ... in any meat market, besides those merely looking to get laid or meet with friends, there are a whole slew of people engaged in vicious, petty power struggles over sex. Duh. So what's new about that? And that includes lots of cock-teasing women and countless men indulging in industrial-strength pouts. And you all have the right to be there. No one has to go home -- not until closing time, anyway!
Hey, Everybody: Wasn't that interesting? Thanks for writing, boys. We now return to our regularly scheduled column.
