REAL ASTROLOGY for an unreal world

Aries (March 21-April 19): It won't be such a good week to gossip with housewives on Prozac or schmooze with losers. But it'll be a prime time for bumping into allies while grocery shopping after midnight or auditioning for new cliques, packs and circles.

It would be a pretty bad week to refine your skills as an exaggerator to a whole new level of outrageousness. But it'll be a fabulous week to leave intriguing messages on answering machines, drop thousands of your resumes from an airplane, or wear a custom-made T-shirt advertising your top three talents.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): I'm tempted to quote Oscar Wilde almost every week. His wit agrees with me. Take for instance his quip, "Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much." I wish I would have said that. Likewise, "We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."

But there's one of his sayings I absolutely hate, and am always looking for a chance to refute. "In this world," he said, "there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it." I'm hoping that as you get what you want in the next few weeks, Taurus, that you'll do everything in your power to disprove Wilde's snide formulation.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): At no other time this year will telepathic help be more available and valuable than in the next three weeks. Not because you'll be in danger. (Why does everyone always assume psychic abilities most often come into play when there's trouble?) Just the opposite. You'll need clairvoyant assistance to ferret out hot but disguised opportunities.

Here's the catch. ESP doesn't happen much to those who don't believe it's possible. I suggest that if you want to summon its breathtaking inspiration, read books or talk to people who can document its reality.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Prior to becoming a megastar, k.d. lang drove a truck. Whoopi Goldberg used to put makeup on corpses in mortuaries. Brad Pitt performed as a giant chicken. Before I became a world-famous astrologer, I washed enough pots and pans in enough cheap restaurants to fulfill my dishwashing karma for my next five incarnations.

I hope these examples inspire you. More than any other year this decade, 1995 offers ripe astrological conditions for changing or upgrading your job. And the next few weeks will be an excellent time to brainstorm about how to do it.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): You're a force of nature these days, an act of God barely contained in your clothes. Better warn innocent bystanders. You might start thinking like a waterfall at any moment; your laughter could turn volcanic and your decisions could hit like an earthquake. Politics-as-usual will look pretty inane in the face of your gale-force passion.

Be merciful, Leo. Stay sensitive to the fact that your raw gifts may seem like a hurricane wrapped around a forest fire to some people. But don't be too merciful.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Fairy tales are replete with characters who accidentally come face to face with treasure. In many cases, they're not searching for treasure, aren't ready for it and feel unworthy. Furthermore, they don't even know at first what they're looking at; the treasure may seem monstrous or intimidating. They might even feel a sense of foreboding and try to run away. That's understandable: To recognize and accept a treasure, whether you're living in a fairy tale or the real world, you almost always have to negotiate a titanic struggle between your past and future, between your conscious desires and your unconscious programming.

Everything I just said describes your current situation perfectly.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): To get the most out of your current astrological aspects, I suggest that you don an outfit you thought you'd never wear in a thousand years, and hang out in a place you thought you'd never visit in a million years. Then tell anyone who'll listen that you used to be a chart-topping country singer but now you're planning to go serve as an apprentice to Mother Teresa. Or brag that you're a quantum physicist who just realized that angels are real and now all your associates have blackballed you but you don't care. Or confess that for years you've been living in a dream--and now you're finally ready to wake up.

Do these things, Libra, or something analogous, and I promise you'll be well on your way to the best vacation you've had in years.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Have I told you recently that I love you? Once a year, and I guess that's now, I have to sit down and remind you why I sometimes act so weird around you.

First of all, you need someone in your life who combines the roles of devil's advocate, tricky therapist and sexy mother, and no one else seems willing to do that but me. Secondly, you thrive on extremely convoluted motivations -- like exotic forms of stress -- which no one else but me supports you for. And finally, I'm jealous that I'm not a Scorpio.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): The first welcome signs that you're emerging from your spring swoon: those love taps you applied to the upside of your head last week. They pulverized two of your mental blocks and crumbled an old clump of emotional constipation. With a minimum of violence, the hero (you) is now on the verge of overthrowing the oppressor (you) and liberating the victim (you).

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