Savage Love

Hey, Faggot: I'm in a quandary over a man.
I ended my longest relationship ever (a whole eight months!) about two months ago and have been sort of wallowing in the bliss of being independent ever since. And then, whammo, I met this guy who wigged me out so much that I couldn't even speak when I saw him. We got together a couple times and had the best sex of my life, much better than with Mr. Eight Months.

This guy has a reputation for being very promiscuous. I've worked through years of religious and family oppression, so I've been viewing this scenario as a great opportunity to experiment and just enjoy sex without all the relationship heaviness. But now he's giving me all this stuff about how much he wants to try and start a relationship with me, and that he hates how fags only want to have sex and not get emotionally involved. Surprise, surprise! Just when I was feeling good about this hot noncommittal sex thing.

Now I'm feeling guilty about my sex-only motivations, but I don't think I want a relationship with him. I'm scared that it's because I'm judging his promiscuity, which makes me feel like a schmuck! My gut feeling is to avoid him, but how can I be sure this isn't that ol' time religion ringing my bell?

Quandaried
Hey, Quandaried: People go through phases, you know? Sounds like you guys met as he was coming out of a particularly promiscuous stage, and you were entering one. In other words, he's done the big slut thing for a while and wants a change. He wants to settle down. You, after playing house with Mr. Eight Months, are ready for some serious sleazy action. Nothing wrong with that. Nothing to feel guilty about. As long as you're honest with this guy about where you're coming from.

Tell him you don't want to have a relationship, that you're enjoying your freedom and aren't ready to settle down right away. Don't avoid him, that's immature and cruel. But if the only reason you can find for not having a relationship with him is because of his checkered past, you better take a good hard look at the glass house you're living in. You'll sleep around with guys that sleep around, but you won't marry one? You mean you wouldn't enter into a relationship with any guy that was as big of a slut as you are? Don't be such a hypocrite!

Hey, Faggot: I am a 26-year-old hetero male involved in a long-term relationship with a wonderful (though a bit naive) woman. We try to have an honest relationship, but I cannot tell her about one aspect of my life. I am addicted to pornography. I've had this fascination all my life and have been "consuming" pornography ever since I was old enough to enter adult establishments. My consumption of pornography is secret, unannounced to my lover or close friends. This secret life disturbs me. I feel as if a part of my identity is "closeted" because it's deemed unacceptable. I've read your column before, and know you would support "coming out of the closet."

If I were homosexual or bi I would welcome that response, because I would most likely enter into a large, supportive community. But I've seen firsthand the community that consumes pornography and I (like others) am repulsed. "Coming out" about my addiction would not bring cheers or congratulations.

Do you have any advice for my private dilemma? And, because I'm curious, is pornography more accepted in homosexual culture?

Hetero Male
Hey, HM: You could "come out" about your "addiction" to your friends and lovers. But if you run around saying, "Hi, my name is Bob and I look at lots of dirty pictures!" your friends are going to think you're a freak. Not because you look at dirty pictures -- almost everybody does -- but because you feel some sort of creepy need to tell them about it. You're a grown-up. Nobody cares if you buy Playboy, lock the bathroom door, and beat yourself bloody. They just don't want to hear about it.

It sounds like you feel a bit guilty about hiding your porn thing from your one true love. Tell her. If she can't handle it, maybe you guys aren't right for each other.

Are you serious when you describe yourself as an addict, or are you being cute? Like drugs, booze, sex, or food, porn can be abused. Do you use porn to keep real people at a distance? What kind of porn are you consuming? Is porn a destructive thing in your life? If you're really "addicted to porn," get some help.

Queers are a lot less uptight about porn, but we're usually less uptight about most things having to do with sex. Porn, (among other things) is a non-issue in "homosexual culture."

Hey, Faggot: Every time I read Modern Bride, Vogue, Elle, or Playboy, I wish the women had a big dick. I love beautiful women, but the idea of a stickpussy gets me hot. I'm 45 now. Does it have to do with my age? Getting off with a female seems so limited. I'm fixated on fantasies of dancing with 6-foot tall leggy ladies who whisper in my ear, "Honey, I've got a surprise for you."