REAL ASTROLOGY For an Unreal World

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): If you heeded my advice last week, you're now at least halfway through your quantum leap of faith. Maybe, in fact, you're still up in the air, soaring over the abyss. If so, I suggest that you don't look down.

Or maybe you've already landed, dazed and excited, on the other side. In that case, you can expect a letdown in the near future -- a wave of regret or sadness about what you left behind. This is normal and natural, and will soon pass away -- as long as you don't go out drinking every night.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Obsessions. Manias. Crushes. Fetishes. Lots of people think you Capricorns are exempt from these awful yet delightful forms of human expression. They see you as too composed and methodical to be driven to the point of bewitchment by some passion. How wrong they are. It's true that you tend to be pretty businesslike in pursuing your fixations. But when you do get some compulsion on the brain, Lord help the fool who doesn't realize how crazed you can become. Case in point: the week ahead.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): I was stuck about what to write for you. I knew it had to be sexy, extreme, and outrageous, and that it had to exhort you to follow your experimental impulses. But I just couldn't find the handle. Frustrated, I got up and turned on the TV. An Aquarian-looking couple (plaid shirts, polka-dot vests, striped pants) were saying, "Whenever we make love, we like to have our television tuned to the Comedy Channel." And I thought to myself, that's it! Aquarians need to think about doing the nasty while the Three Stooges play in the background.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): OK, now. Take a deep breath. Let's not get too worked up about your transgressions. I mean it's not as if you robbed a 7-Eleven or cut off government subsidies for poor children or something. Yes, you have incurred a new karmic debt that must be repaid, and, yes, you have learned the hard way why you can't afford to lower your standards even a little. But it's not as if any of this is going to matter in 10 years. Now please spank yourself 13 times, make plans to atone, and move on to the next chapter.