Aries (March 21-April 19): Recently I've received inquiries from an Aries who wants to know if I'd accept bribes in return for a series of horoscopes with fabulously positive predictions for her sign. I'm proud to say that I've turned down over $1,500 of her filthy lucre (as well as five back rubs) in order to maintain the integrity of your horoscopes. I have to admire this woman's ferocious determination to manipulate the world into serving her interests, though, and I would encourage you to pursue a similar strategy, as long as it's ethical.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): It's a pregnant moment. You're being imprinted as much as you're imprinting others. As I meditate on your needs, a little voice in my head is whispering conservative icon Barry Goldwater's phrase, "Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice; moderation in the pursuit of justice is no virtue." I know better than to ignore that little voice, even when it quotes a member of a political party I find abhorrent. But I assume it wants me to put my own personal spin on Goldwater's epigram. Therefore, my advice to you is to take drastic measures in order to do the right thing, but keep in mind that these days the right thing has little in common with the right wing.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): Please resist the pull toward the lowest common denominator. I'm glad you're returning to basics and sloughing off pretensions, but you've gotta take care that you don't get too lowdown and funky. I don't want to have to be yanking you up out of the gutter next week, or helping you cover your ass because you've compromised your own high standards. So try to keep your attitude elevated even as you lower your psychic center of gravity. Don't call anyone a jerkweed, scuzzbucket, or buttwad, and avoid gratuitous references to hairballs, farts, and slime.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): I'm told that it takes a ton of ore to make a gold wedding ring. Likewise, most of the writers I know (myself included) freely testify that for every page of serviceable prose they produce, they churn out five pages of rank bullshit. Given these simple facts of life, I don't know what excuse you have to be so hard on yourself right now. Sure you're taking 10 times longer to master your new skills than you'd hoped -- but that means you're moving at exactly the proper speed.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Is the electron a particle or a wave? After thousands of esoteric experiments, physicists have settled on the definitive solution: It's both. In other words, the answer to one of the most fundamental questions about the nature of reality is cheerfully contradictory. The larger implication is that the correct response to ANY question might be two apparently opposing explanations. (Could capitalists and socialists BOTH be right? Buddhists and Unitarians? Scientists and mystics?)
This week, you'll get a chance to try out this dicey but ultimately fun way of thinking -- in the form of a personal dilemma that's very much like "Is the electron a particle or a wave?"
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Creativity expert Roger von Oech (A Whack on the Side of the Head) gave me two profound insights that are crucial for you to hear now, while you have so much power to wriggle out of old ruts. 1) If you're too fixated on solving problems, you may not be alert to the possibility of new opportunities arriving from completely outside the context of those problems. 2) You can't see the good ideas behind you by looking twice as hard at what's in front of you.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): By now you should be finished crawling on your hands and knees over broken glass and hot coals. The next (and last) stage of your redemption will be far less painful, though torturous in its own way. I'd compare this final chapter to putting together a jigsaw puzzle with a million pieces -- all of which are white.
Amazingly, you actually have it in you to pull off this seemingly impossible feat -- as long as you don't lay out the puzzle pieces on the broken glass and hot coals.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): During the peak of the lions' sex cycle, a couple may mate a hundred times per day. As you can imagine, not much of anything else gets done during that time. The only human animal that comes close to this erotic voracity is, of course, the Scorpio. Fortunately, the majority of you have just enough self-control not to boink so manically that you neglect to eat and sleep and go to work -- though sometimes you cut it pretty close. I bring this up because you've slipped into one of those hot zones -- one of those hundred-times-per-day phases -- at the exact time when you simply cannot afford to let everything else go to hell.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Recently astronomers were peering toward the constellation of Sagittarius when they made a hilarious discovery. There in a giant dust cloud was a colossal pool of nitrous oxide, or laughing gas. Perhaps coincidentally, perhaps not, a different group of astronomers not long ago happened upon another riotous revelation. Right next door to Sagittarius is a cloud of alcohol which Dr. Geoff MacDonald says is vast enough to "provide 300,000 pints of beer a day for everyone on Earth for the next billion years." I hope these synchronous discoveries are not an omen concerning your imminent future. My astrological calculations say you'll laugh harder in the next month than you ever have in your life, but you won't need to be drunk to do it.
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