Savage Love

Hey, Everybody: Readers often accuse me of selecting letters for their shock value. Nothing could be further from the truth. The most outlandish letters I receive, the uber-vile, never make it into my column: They wind up in an ever-thickening file folder. But by screening out these letters, I seem to have skewed your all's perception of my column: I know the truly vile stuff doesn't make it into my column, but since you don't see what doesn't run, you don't know that. Consequently your Savage Love disgust threshold, framed as it is by what actually makes it into the column, is considerably lower than mine.

So, to prove once and for all that I do my part to ensure public morality, and to raise everybody's thresholds, I'm running a handful of my truly disgusting letters this week. You may not want to read this while, say, having lunch. You have been warned.

Hey, Faggot: My woman is a queen and I think it the most when she's queening me. I love to have her make my face the throne for her royal bush. When she ties me down and envelops me with her ashen cheeks, I am in heaven. If I've been especially good she'll smother me until I'm sputtering for air, then lift one cheek and blow me a juicy fart to chortle on. What health risks am I running?

Coming Up for Air
Hey, Everybody: Gross, huh? This guy may be on the up and up, but his letter ain't: It's common knowledge that farts doesn't pose a health risk -- unless the person whose farts you're inhaling is lighting them first. CUFA just wanted to get his nasty letter into my column, but in deference to my readers' delicate sensibilities, I chose not to run it.

Hey, Faggot: Tell me I'm normal! I'm a 26-year-old straight man with sexual tastes leading toward the bizarre. My ultimate fantasy is to lie in an empty tub and have a woman defecate on me. I'll talk to a female colleague at work and try to concentrate on what she's saying, but instead I'll be thinking about her taking a shit. Am I nuts? And, most importantly, how do I meet a female who shares my interest?

Brian
Hey, Everybody: Now this letter may be for real -- poor Brian probably is saddled with this unfortunate fetish. But, as the thought of scat makes high-threshold me sick, I feared it would make my less-thick-skinned readership puke. But if you're reading this, Brian: A) you're not normal, and B) there are no social clubs in North America for men who love poop and the women who'll consent to crap on them.

Hey, Faggot: I would like a girl to pass gas into my face. I find the smell and feel very erotic. Do you know of this fetish, and where I could find girls interested in farts? Any fetish organizations? I have never mentioned it to anybody because it seems too weird.

Eric S.
Hey, Everybody: There's a pattern here, folks.

Hey, Faggot: I first saw my lover wearing shorts. Being a leg man, I was instantly turned on. In our lovemaking, I soon discovered that just to kiss or fondle those great thighs wasn't enough. Then a wonderful idea struck me: pouring his come on his legs and licking it off! But it dawned on me one day that instead of making him come and then applying it to his legs, we could "save some" come from our previous lovemaking and use it in our next sex session; that way my lover could remain hot (i.e., not come yet) and we would have an abundance of come to play around with. My question is this: How long is it safe to store come in the refrigerator? I can't find any info on this subject anywhere. Can it "spoil"? Is this even a safe thing to be doing?

MC
Hey, Everybody: The dead-letter file doesn't only contain questions about excrement and flatulence, as this letter demonstrates.

Hey, Faggot: I'm an 18-year-old girl. One day, I thought I had the house to myself, and stripped down nude and masturbated. While I was masturbating my dad came home early from work and walked in to see me spread out and fingering my pussy. Surprisingly, as I got into the doggy position I felt a huge dick thrust into me, only to look back and see my dad ejaculating in me. We fucked for two hours! We now fuck four times a day, and I enjoy pussy-pleasing him to no end. I'm not sure if what we're doing is "right"; please advise.

Pussy Pleaser
Hey, Everybody: Like all my dead letters, the above was written by a man. In this case, the guy claims he's a girl, but the letters-to-Penthouse tone and phrases like "pussy-pleasing" give our correspondent away. It's not uncommon for twisted straight guys to send me "fantasy mail." Second to letters from straight guys pretending to be girls interested in whatever pervo-pastime the writer himself is into (are you with me?) are letters from straight guys pretending to be gay guys asking involved questions about anal sex -- a phenomenon I don't entirely understand. Read on.