Hey, Faggot: Me and my girlfriend are very attractive and straight-looking (lipstick lesbos), so it's hard to find friends who won't flirt with us together or separately. A couple of months ago we met this group of dykes and they were cool at first, but they turned out to be a bunch of gossip snakes who love to cause problems.
Before we found out, my girlfriend became better friends with one of the girls (I call her "Chronica") and I became better friends with another girl from the same group (I call her "That Shit"). I had problems with That Shit because while I was trying to be friends with her, she developed a crush on me which my girlfriend picked up on much sooner than me. That Shit started to cause problems: calling my house and saying things to make my girlfriend think I was after her. So That Shit and I aren't friends anymore.
Chronica, however, is still around. My intuition tells me to watch her carefully -- my guess is she's after my girlfriend. I'm eight years younger than my girlfriend and I've heard Chronica make comments to my girlfriend about how she, Chronica, would never date a younger person because of the maturity thing. She never calls me, she always calls my girlfriend. She talks to my girlfriend, and never makes much of an effort to talk to me. I am very suspicious of this bitch and I can't wait to find out something concrete about her. I don't want to make a move yet because I don't like to be unfair to people. I could be wrong, of course, but I feel strong about this intuition I have. What do you think and what would you do?
Hey, SB: Oh my god, Chronica is such a bitch! She did the same thing to me and my boyfriend last year, before she, you know, "came out" and stuff. Me and my boyfriend -- we're both, like, supercute you know, and superstraight-looking, so, like, you know, everybody wants to sleep with us, or date us, or whatever -- anyway, me and boyfriend were at a party at Theo's house. Tony, Theo's really geeky younger brother, introduced me and my boyfriend to Chronica. She immediately decided to be his best "friend": Chronica was always calling my boyfriend up all the time and telling him I was too old for him -- kinda the reverse of what she's doing to you, you know? -- and trying to get him to go out with her instead of me. She was never nice to me even in the slightest, and made no effort to at least look like she wasn't trying to steal my boyfriend away!
Finally I found some real concrete proof: a notebook of hers with page after page of her signing her first name and my boyfriend's last name, like they were married! I confronted Chronica during lunch period and told her to stay away from my boyfriend or I would blow up the apartment complex she and all her gossip-snake friends live in. That's when she decided to be a lesbian, which was probably right when she began chasing after your girlfriend! Oh my god, this is all my fault! I'm so sorry, SB!
Okay, look: You say your girlfriend's eight years older than you -- what is she, 21? Your letter sure sounds like it was written by a breathless 13-year-old girl. Chronica and her tangle of "gossip snakes" can't play head games with women who won't play along. Confront Chronica, confront your girlfriend with your suspicions. Then move the bitch out of your lives and get busy finding some new friends, unless, of course, you two have a taste for gossip-driven intrigue and head games -- which, quite frankly, is how you come across in your letter.
Hey, Faggot: Your recent "advice" confirmed a long-standing suspicion of mine: You are about as qualified to give sex advice as Ricki Lake is to give advice to fat people. To tell a man, straight or gay, that he is not "normal" because he likes the smell of farts or wants to have his lady or boyfriend poop on his chest or whatever confirmed yet another: that lefty fags of your ilk are just as fascist as the rightest of right-wingers -- and just as intolerant. What to you is so shocking is simply the breaking of a capricious moral code; another taboo shattered. It seems to me the only "unfortunate fetish" your readers are guilty of is looking to your column for advice!
Hey, Reverend: Please, Reverend, let's do keep our rhetoric in check. "Fascists" with something against coprophilia are unlikely to recommend, as I did, personal ads, or trips to Amsterdam where women will, for a fee, take dumps on them. No: Fascists with a thing against coprophilia would, if we can take the behavior of the 20th century's true "fascists" as an indicator, terrorize them, herd them into camps, and gas them -- none of which I've ever advocated.
Why do so many radicals -- political radicals and sex radicals -- fall into the squish-brained, lefter-than-thou habit of labeling everyone who disagrees with them -- usually on some minor point -- a "fascist"? Not only does this willful over/misuse take the piss out of a word we may need again soon, it trivializes the sufferings of those who've actually lived and died under fascism by equating them with the plight of, say, thin-skinned geeks who got their feelings hurt reading something disagreeable in a newspaper.