REAL ASTROLOGY For an Unreal World

Aries (March 21-April 19): Any psychologist will tell you how common it is for a time of intense intimacy between two people to be followed by a cooling-off period. A profound splash of divine love can be as scary as it is beautiful, and lovers who've shared it sometimes need to create distance between each other. Know what I'm talking about? I'm sure you do. You're probably doin' that emotional-roller-coaster thang a lot these days. My opinion is that the more relaxed you are about accepting this rhythm as natural, the more likely it is that each cooling-off period will in turn lead to a new round of delicious togetherness.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): To commemorate and celebrate the emptiest week you've had in months, I now present a cavalcade of bumper sticker and T-shirt slogans extolling the void. If you don't know where you want to go, any road will take you there. Time flies when you don't know what the hell you're doing. Life is too important to be taken seriously. Every particle of matter is 99.999 percent empty space. And finally, here's the only epigram uttered by Gandhi that has ever, to my knowledge, appeared on a mug: Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): You can't be stopped this week. No matter how hard your secret enemies try to distract you from your destiny, they will fail. Every time a fresh obstruction lands in your path, a gleaming detour will appear out of nowhere. I'm telling you, Gemini, you're charmed. Your luck is so good it's almost wacky. Fountains will show up regularly in your dreams. Allies will fight for your rights in ways you may never find out about. Work for which you've been unrewarded will suddenly pay off. So what are you sitting here for? Get out there and ask for THE GIFT you've never felt worthy of.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): More than 1,500 years before the advent of the five-day work week, Christian monks decided that Fridays, being the special day of the pagan goddess Freya, were unlucky. Friday the 13th was especially afflicted, they thought, because it combined the inauspicious day with an evil number. And where did they get this bad opinion of 13? It was the goddess' sacred number, drawn from the 13 months of the pagan lunar calendar. So if you're a Christian monk, or if you sneer at the feminine mysteries, or if you believe that the bigoted phobias of people who lived when Europe was young should be your fears too, then this Friday will certainly threaten your sanity. If, however, you celebrate fertility, intuition, serendipity, and eros, it'll be a day for the record books.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): I dreamed I was in the mezzanine office of a humongous Wal-Mart, watching a lion pace the floor below me. He was scrabbling miserably through acres of headache remedies and discounted videos and plastic garbage cans. He was out of his element, surrounded by things he had no use for, king of nothing at all. As the dream ended, I was trying to figure out a way to free him without getting mauled.

Dream interpretation: Sometimes having a million trivial choices makes you forget to exercise your far more important choices.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): A recent survey of top corporations reveals what poets have always known: A modicum of chaos can increase your productivity; there's a link between untidiness and creativity. According to the study, the companies that grew the fastest last year also happened to have the most executives with messy desks. On the other hand, businesses dominated by neatniks suffered declines.

And that's just one of my excuses for advising you to allow a little more sloppiness into your life right now. Your fortune cookie says: Wild mind boosts the bottom line.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): By the authority vested in me by my mom, who has always thought the world of me, I hereby declare Friday, Oct. 13, as the one and only astrologically sanctioned real New Year's Day for people of the Libran persuasion. May auld acquaintance be forgot and all that stuff. Whoop it up. Bid good riddance to all the worn-out old trends and habits. And then, of course, formulate your New Year's resolutions. If you start practicing them now, they'll be second nature by 1996, when the Age of Your Homecoming begins.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): You've been trying to get rid of that monster under your bed since you were a toddler. Yes, it's the same one, though perhaps dressed up in a different fright wig. No matter where you've traveled, that slimy bastard has slithered in and made itself at home. At least until now. Suddenly, due to a fortuitous confluence of biorhythms, logarithms, and planetary enzymes, you have the instinct and power to perform the exorcism you've been wanting to do forever. Design your own ritual of banishing (don't buy a how-to book at a New Age bookstore), and do it this weekend. Best times would be on the evening of Friday the 13th and Sunday night the 15th.

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