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REAL ASTROLOGY For an Unreal World 

Wednesday, Nov 29 1995
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Aries (March 21-April 19): One Aries I know hasn't come out of her house in three days. She just sits there poring over old National Geographics. Another Aries friend has retreated full time to her studio, where she endlessly paints pictures of escalators ascending out of swamps. An Aries relative I haven't seen in years called me last night at 2 a.m. and begged me to tell him colorful stories of my exciting life. The evidence is beginning to accumulate, in other words, that you rams are close to blowing it. Rather than trekking out to the frontier and taking the cosmos up on its recent dare, you're being bought off and distracted by simulated adventures. There's still time -- just barely -- to get off your ass and rise to the challenge.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): The Grail is an ancient symbol of divine nourishment and blessing. In Christian myth it's the chalice Christ used at the Last Supper. Pagan legends often describe it as a horn of plenty or magical healing cauldron. In the stories of both traditions, the Grail is invariably lost or hidden, and becomes the object of a daunting quest. To have any chance of finding the priceless treasure, questers must rededicate their lives to the noblest purpose they can imagine. I'm bringing this up, Taurus, because you'll soon receive a vivid reminder that the Grail is missing, and will be given a clue about where it might be.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Cougars are now prowling the suburbs of Northern California. Coyotes have been seen on the streets of New York. And you yourself are experiencing an incursion of wolflike energy into the normally civilized realm of your ego. How's it feel? Kinda scary but kinda exciting, too? Or are you doing your best to pretend that it's not there? My advice is to strike a balance between locking the wolf away and letting it tear the place up. A little wild and primitive action would do you a lot of good -- as long as it doesn't result in a big mess your civilized ego has to clean up.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): It'll be a good week to have a pillow fight, but a bad week to hang out at the front lines of a venomous clash. It'll be a fine time to sit quietly in the candlelit living room after dinner and listen to the wild winds scour away all of summer's illusions. But it'll be a terrible time to interrupt the above scene by turning on the TV to Melrose Place. Be gentle and reverent in communing with your dicey, spicy emotions, and the cosmos will be gentle and reverent with you.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Have you heard of the yogis who can levitate, influence the weather, and project their astral bodies to distant locations? A higher percentage of these characters are Leos than any other sign. If by chance you're one of them, your power to pull off wonders and marvels like that is now at a peak. But even if you're just a plain old non-yogi, I'm happy to say that you too may have something like supernatural talents this week. This will especially be true if you believe it is. At the very least, you'll be able to pull off a prodigious feat you've considered impossible.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Whenever I close my eyes and meditate on you these days, I see you spinning in spirals. Not like a cat chasing its own tail or a drunk running away from his own shadow or a broken top whirling erratically. No, the way I imagine you twirling is more like how a ballet dancer does it: simultaneously composed and dazzlingly intense. Her secret -- like yours? -- is focusing her vision on a fixed point once in every turn so as to keep from becoming dizzy.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): From the perspective of your astrological needs, this would be an excellent time to attend the Klingon Language Camp in Red Lake Falls, Minn. (Unfortunately, it's not in session right now.) My point being that you could really use a boost in your efforts to express yourself more forcefully. Learning Klingon, with its aggressive gutturals and vigorous body language, might reprogram your subconscious mind in just the right way. Imagine how persuasive you'd be with a new streak of nervy verve added to your congenial clarity.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Are you aware of how a few woodpeckers poked so many holes in the space shuttle last May that the flight had to be postponed? Have you ever read Jonathan Swift's 18th-century satire Gulliver's Travels, in which a team of 6-inch-tall people manage to lash the hero to the ground with hundreds of tiny ropes? If so, you've got all the metaphors you need to defend yourself against the piddling, trivial, almost-beneath-your-notice enemy this week.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Recently I predicted this fall would be the most Sagittarian time on Earth since 1983, and solicited readers' thoughts on "How to Be a Sagittarius." Here are a few gems: "Know how to have fun even when life sucks." -- Mandy O. via the Internet. "Embrace optimism for both its beauty and its tactical advantages." -- Sam Austin, Staten Island. "Paint a self-portrait with your nipples." -- Marsha Coupe, Carmel, Calif. "Be a pompous ass, then laugh at yourself for being a pompous ass." -- Peter Yates-Hodshon and Mare Hodshon-Yates, Tucson. "Give names like 'Stinky' and 'Cubby' to your fears." -- Joanne Helfrid, Upper Darby, Pa. "The best way to be like me is not try to be like me at all, but to be true to yourself." -- Catherine King, Greenfield, Mass.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): According to ancient tradition, every year around this time you like to scare the hell (and the heaven) out of yourself. As a side effect (or fringe benefit?), you usually manage to make the people around you dance like electrified puppets.

What can we expect this year? A field trip to the local crack house? A frolic in a snake pit? As you gear up to give the third degree to everything you hold dear, please remember the difference between walking on the wild side and crawling on the grungy side.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): I've been asked, along with Sylvester Stallone, the Dalai Lama, and 97 others, to offer nominations for a new version of the "Seven Wonders of the World." I'm still mulling, but here are some early ideas. 1) Lucid dreams, one of the most virgin sources of bliss and gnosis on the planet. 2) The Nova Dreamer, a little machine that helps you induce lucid dreams. 3) Jane Siberry's CD When I Was a Boy, the most sensual and spiritual music I've heard in years. 4) The charming riot that Aquarian folk everywhere are stirring up these days: revolutionary yet considerate, mischievous yet kind, demanding yet cute.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): All your life you've had to put up with propaganda about how Pisceans are impractical dreamers. No more, my friend. Forbes magazine, mouthpiece for greedy capitalists, recently delivered the astonishing news that there are more Pisceans among the superrich than any other sign. Why? According to authors Natasha Bacigalupo and Caroline Waxler: "Pisces are idea people. They are creative and imaginative. They have sharp instincts, yet are sometimes rash, and experience booms and busts. They are also good market players who like risky ventures." I would add that because Saturn is currently disciplining your extravagance, while Jupiter is expanding your authority, you're perfectly configured for a boom, not a bust.

About The Author

Rob Brezsny

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