Slap Shots

But the quotations carved in sandstone blocks, mounted on the inside walls of the church, offer irrefutable proof of this overt link between Bill Gates and the Almighty:

"If we do good deeds to others and try to help them to live happier and better lives by being kind to them, and teaching them of the God germ within themselves," offers one, "we in that way sow the seed, and God in his own way and time will make it grow." This mention of good deeds obviously refers to Gates' financial generosity, and the God germ is plainly the Windows 95 operating system.

Another quote reads, "The highest service may be prepared for and done in the humblest surroundings. In silence, in waiting, in obscure, unnoticed offices, in years of uneventful unrecorded duties, the Son of God grew and waxed strong." Clearly these "unnoticed offices" are the cramped former dwellings of the old computer science department.

And finally: "Thoughts and words travel just as God's life travels. They do not travel like an individual, but you breathe your spiritual life into the atmosphere as you do your breath, and someone else breaths it in. Those not present still receive it, for it permeates space, and all live in it and receive from it according to their unfoldment." This "space" translates not only to cyberspace, but the ever-growing Microsoft Network.

Faced with such evidence, questions come to mind. Maybe computers are actually access points of our new collective spirituality. Maybe William H. Gates is our God, and he chose the song "Start Me Up" because it refers to the Book of Genesis. And maybe the Gates Building is actually the newest House of the Holy, a $38 million cathedral that will save our cyberspaced souls. Maybe the blood of Christ actually is a can of Sprite.

By Jack Boulware

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