REAL ASTROLOGY For an Unreal World

Aries (March 21-April 19): It won't be such a good week to act like a fire ant guarding your hill; or to wish you had a magic wand that could turn people into jack-in-the-boxes; or to listen too closely to ghosts and sycophants. It'll be an excellent week, though, to cross star-crossed love affairs off your list forever; and to stop pretending that what's happening isn't happening; and to ask for divine intervention in transforming the saddest fact of your life.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): You're in a position similar to one I was in four years ago. My 1984 Chevy Malibu was working fine except for one little problem with the transmission: It could no longer go in reverse. I regarded it as a metaphor for my life at that time, and now I'm taking it as a metaphor for yours. There's no turning back, my friend. Full speed ahead. Onward to the future. If you must park now and then, make sure it's in spaces you don't have to back out of.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): One of my favorite quotes about the nature of truth came from the physicist Neils Bohr. "The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement," he said. "But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth." Recently I heard Native American prophet Robert Morningsky put it another way. "The truth is like the bear," he mused. "Is it a gentle beast of nature, a model for the stuffed animal children love most? Or is it a vicious carnivore that'll rip you to shreds if you turn your back on it? The answer, of course, is that it's both." Nothing could be more important for you to keep in mind during this week's tests. Can you build a bridge and burn it at the same time?

Cancer (June 21-July 22): As I muse on your role in this week's melodramas, my daydreams turn to that poignant moment in 1969 when Grace Slick got within an eyelash of dosing the drinks with LSD at a White House lawn party. I'm not recommending that you do anything quite so extreme, mind you. I'm just foreseeing that you'll have a load of cosmic help whenever you inject some mischievous, catalytic energy into stuffy situations where the people are way too impressed with themselves. (P.S. The planetary gods will also look favorably on you if you launch that same uproarious spirit toward your own most dogmatic opinions and fixed ideas.)

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): The next seven fable-packed days will be off-the-record, over-the-top, under-the-table, and out-of-the-blue. They'll be internecine, prolix, sedulous, incandescent, and vicissitudinous. It'll be the kind of week when you better hope you don't spill your dinner on yourself as you're wolfing it down in your car on your way to your date with blind destiny. Under the highly unpredictable circumstances, it's sort of stupid for me to give advice, but in the spirit of doing things that don't make any sense just because they feel right, I'll offer you advice anyway: Do NOT keep it simple, stupid.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): I'll tell you how feminist a man I am. Not only do I always put the toilet seat down after using it, I also buy all the toilet paper for our household -- a task which sociologists say almost universally falls to women in our culture. In honor of International Women's Day -- and to celebrate the quickening of your own inner feminine -- I exhort all you Virgo men to follow my lead, only in a more majestic way. Maybe you could perform a ritual of praise for the women in your life, or give them a solid hour when you listen to their stories with rapt intelligence. Virgo women: Do the same. Pull off a sublime feat that is the reverse of one of your highly conditioned roles.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): I must have been dazed on flu medication when I channeled last week's horoscope. I mean it was astrologically correct and everything. But I could have said it in a kinder, gentler way. Of course, if I had been sweeter, you probably wouldn't have gotten the shock you needed to bust out of your rut. So maybe it was all for the best -- just as the following advice will be: You'll have to work twice as hard as you did last week to fix what's not officially broke -- but which unofficially is very broke.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Twenty-six years ago, a swampy region of Malaysia called Sungei Siput hosted one of history's fiercest orgies. Over 10,000 frogs showed up, as if on cue, to copulate nonstop for a week. Their ecstatic croaks could be heard at a distance of 25 miles. Now it so happens that the planetary configurations at that time had a certain similarity to those in the week ahead, and it further so happens that this new wave of cosmic eros will be bearing down most intensely on you Scorpios. My advice? Enjoy the hell out of yourself, but don't emulate the frogs, whose mating territory looked like a war zone when they were done.

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