Slap Shots

But these "true citizens" could be onto something. Perhaps the Freemen and the Unabomber are really the chosen few, sent to take America back. Maybe they're right about technology, Christianity, and skin color. Maybe all blacks should be shipped back to Africa. Let's send the Asians back to Asia, the Russians back to Russia, the Jews back to the Holy Land. Sail the Italians and Greeks back to Italy and Greece. French and Portuguese, go home. See ya, Scandinavians. Burn all the technology to the ground. And amid this mass exodus, we herd up all the loner math geniuses and semiliterate militia members; pack up their little bomb manuals, bicycles, cammo fatigues, 50-caliber machine guns, and self-awarded oak leaf clusters; cram all of them into the hull of an unventilated freighter; and send them chugging across the Atlantic back to the exotic shores of Northern Europe. The last one to board the boat can stop, turn around to the leader of the American Indian nation, and say, "Well, it's all yours. Those fires should be out in a few weeks. Sorry about the mess."

By Jack Boulware

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