REAL ASTROLOGY For an Unreal World

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Keep in mind, when you read my advice this week, that I am not some decadent nihilist who believes "no pain, no gain" is a sexy formula for raging success. Remember that I am a pragmatic optimist who studies the rhythms of life in order to bring out the best in you. With that as a disclaimer, I'm going to suggest that you spend the next 11 days -- no longer -- communing with the eerie and necessary power of decay. For every thing there is a season, the Bible says. And this is the season of rot. There are parts of your life that need to decompose, and it's your task to cooperate.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Your left brain and right brain are on closer speaking terms than maybe they've ever been. Your heart and your genitals are grooving on the same wavelength for a change. And get this: Your feet are no longer taking you places without your permission. To what do you owe the pleasure of this shocking state of integration? I like to think that you're finally receiving your compensation for the all the hard work you've done that's gone unnoticed and unrewarded.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): I'd advise you to call the experts at the International Itch Relief Center, but your particular itch would no doubt stump them. Yours, after all, is nothing so concrete as hives or prickly heat. It's an invisible, omnipresent, almost diabolical itch ... an off-the-scale, out-of-this-world, now-you-feel-it-now-you-don't itch. If you ask me, there's only one thing that can be done. Become as quiet and still and empty as you possibly can, and try to get God to scratch it for you.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): You know that metaphorical message in a bottle you cast out into the sea more than two years ago? It has finally landed on a distant shore. You'll soon be contacted by the one who found it.

You know that cry in the wilderness you unleashed 16 months ago? That half plea, half demand you thought no one heard? Two people did hear it, and it's taken them all this time to figure out how to reply. When and if they reach out this week, don't blast them for being tardy.