REAL ASTROLOGY For an Unreal World

Aries (March 21-April 19): I can't tell you how many readers have written to ask me, "What signs are Beavis and Butt-head?" In an effort to shut down this line of questioning once and for all, I'd like to state my belief that they're both Aries -- the unevolved kind of Aries, that is. The vast majority of you, on the other hand, are evolved Aries. Even when you get into a rash, juvenile mood -- as you are now -- you rarely channel it into the screw-the-world behavior Beavis and Butt-head are famous for. Right? Instead, you sublimate it into a feisty, shake-things-up spirit which inspires everyone you touch. Right?

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Just about every ethnic group on Earth has a proverb like "You reap what you sow." If you throw wheat seeds in the field today, in other words, you won't find beets popping out of the ground in a few weeks. I realize this is so obvious that it threatens to insult your intelligence. Nevertheless, with all the complex and stupid information from "experts" you're forced to listen to every single day, I think it bears highlighting. It is, after all, the single most important principle ruling your actions now.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): My gut feeling? I'd say you could find more useful adventures than hanging off a cliff by your fingernails and playing mind games with the vultures overhead. For all I know, though, you're carrying out the touchiest part of a master plan that's beyond my comprehension. In any case, I'll go ahead and give you astrological permission to plead temporary insanity -- providing you absolutely promise not to shout curses at bullies who'd think nothing of stomping on your hands.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Here's my take on your situation, Cancerian. It's not the word of God. It could be distorted by my own wishful thinking. But I sincerely believe that the cosmic powers that be have primed you for a turning point that many horoscope textbooks would deem improbable. Against the advice of all my astrologer friends, who feel the life of a Cancerian would never take the course I'm going to predict, I say this: All your life, your focus has been on where you've come from. Now it's changing to where you're going to.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Mohammed said the way to paradise is over a bridge as narrow as the edge of a razor. I agree. If you're not brave, agile, and a little cracked, you shouldn't even attempt the dicey trip. On the other hand, don't feel inadequate if you're not up to it. Life ain't so bad over here on the other side of paradise. Yes it's messy, confusing, absurd, and filled with more suffering than seems necessary. But once you get used to it, it becomes almost comfy in a demented kind of way. Having said that, though, I'd like to inform you that if you are one of those crazies whose destiny demands that you do risk the trek to paradise, you should begin now. Rarely have you been so full of damn-fool confidence and competence.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You're ripe for an itchy vision of how much more interesting and meaningful your life could be. Any minute now I expect you to start howling and frothing about all the things that need to change. Seeing as how this sacred eruption is most likely to happen in a profane place like a bar or all-night restaurant, I invite you to record your brainstorms on a menu or doily or napkin and mail them to me at: Bar Napkin Wisdom, Box 150247, San Rafael, CA 94915. The entry with the pithiest bluster will be mentioned in a future column. (P.S.: Kitchen napkins are acceptable only if staying up late or consuming alcohol is a health hazard for you.)

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You currently bear more than a passing resemblance to a raw kernel of popcorn simmering on the hot, oily bottom of a frying pan. Your internal pressure's building. Your outer shell is feeling the strain. You're scared and edgy about taking the next step, even though you want to give yourself to it with all your heart. "If only," you say to yourself, "if only I could make the change in a more slow-motion transition, not that other way -- that sudden, explosive way." But before you can think any more irrelevant thoughts, the miracle happens. You pop. It all transpires so fast you almost don't notice the pain. And now you're a big, tasty nourishing thing, ready to eat.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Dear Scorpios: On behalf of your evil twins, I'd like to apologize for any misunderstandings caused by their desire to show you what you'd been missing. Their intent wasn't evil at all, you see. They merely wanted to fill in a few gaps in your education. Now your evil twins would like to humbly request that you stop calling them "evil twin," and refer to them by a nicer name, like, say, Booboo or Goofy. If you promise to see them in a friendlier light, they'll try to act more like the reverse of a devil's advocate.

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