Savage Love

Hey, Faggot: My problem is rather serious. I've considered seeking professional help, but I admit I'm a little embarrassed. I'm a 21-year-old, considerably well-adjusted female, except for one thing: I have been masturbating consistently since age 11. I feel my masturbation habit is ruining my sex life. I believe I am unable to climax with a partner because I am so used to artificial climax. I've tried going without, but I just can't stop! When I had a consistent partner, it wasn't as frequent. Yet, I found myself masturbating once in a while to satisfy my urge for a climax.

I worry that this problem may lead to bisexuality, because I'm really losing interest in sex with men at this point. I have found myself picking my nails or watching television during intercourse! I'm confused because otherwise, I truly enjoy men, their sexuality, and what they have to offer me as a woman. Yet, I must admit I am curious to see what sex with a woman would be like. Am I totally ruining my sex life? Do I have bisexual tendencies? And, most of all, do I need to seek professional help?

Masturbator X
Hey, MX: OK, first off: Those orgasms you're having all by your lonesome aren't "artificial." They're real. And if you can bring yourself off alone, you should be able to bring yourself off in the company of men. In fact, men would be good role models for you: Guys chase down their orgasms with a single-mindedness that you would do well to emulate. When a guy's fucking you, he maneuvers his dick around until he's getting rubbed just ... so, and he keeps it up until he comes, right? When you masturbate, don't you do the same: rub yourself just ... so, until you get off? Well, assert yourself! Communicate to the boyfriend exactly what is required to get you off and demand he do it: You know what it takes, you give yourself orgasms all the time! Tell him how it's done!

Think of boyfriends not as people, but as large, sweaty sex toys with hairy bodies and weak batteries. Pleasure yourself with his body -- that's what it's there for! And isn't that what he's doing with your body? When a guy fucks you, he's basically masturbating inside you, substituting your pussy for his fist. Well, substitute his face for your banister: Turnabout is always fair play, right? If you masturbate humping pillows or going for long horseback rides, then treat his thigh like a pillow, and his face like a saddle. Vibrator do the trick? Show him how to use it, guide his hands!

Too many girls (and boys) think that if she has an orgasm at all, it has to be by happy accident: during intercourse, or as a result of the "right" amount of cunnilingus (read: until his tongue gets tired). But his orgasms? Whatever it takes, man: sets, costumes, livestock, laser light shows, and trips to the emergency room if need be, he's gonna insist on it. So don't be demure! You insist right back!

And if he's too inept, or his face is too stubbly, or his thighs are too squishy to get you off -- DIY, girlfriend: Do It Yourself. He can still hold you, or make out with you, or play with your tits, or lick your ass, or register you to vote, or something, anything, while you bring yourself off! He can even fuck you while you do it. And the orgasm you give yourself with his loving assistance counts: Self-induced orgasms in the presence of others are every bit as real as look-ma-no-hands orgasms.

Lastly, "overmasturbating" does not make people bisexual. Don't be silly: People don't become bisexual from masturbating too much, or god knows, every last red-blooded American male would be as bi as the Dole campaign is clueless. Should you decide to act on your bisexual impulses, some of your potential girlfriends will need as much direction as every last one of your boyfriends. If you don't learn how to communicate what you want ("You are my red-hot banister of love!"), you may find yourself lying under a girl picking your nails and watching television -- and it'll be your own damn fault.

Hey, Faggot: I'm a sexually active male in my mid-20s, and I have a problem that's been really messing with my mind, and my whole outlook on my sexual future/relationships. Every time I have intercourse with a woman, I can never reach an orgasm. But when I masturbate, I spew streams. Is this some mental dysfunction of mine, or is it that the women I've been with just can't satisfy me? I desperately need to cure this problem, for I do plan to marry and have children. I find myself masturbating every day now, wondering if it's all in "the stroke." What advice/techniques can you give that may cure my ill?

Can't Cum With You
Hey, CCWY: Four parts performance anxiety, and one part self-fulfilling prophecy: That's the cocktail you're sippin' on, lemon peel. You're in your mid-20s, and you've had some bad experiences, and now you're convinced that you'll never reach orgasm during intercourse, so you ... don't. Why? Cuz you can't? Cuz the women you're sleeping with don't turn you on "enough"? No. Because of the pressure you're placing on yourself.