Hey, Faggot: The letter from the woman who has a boyfriend who won't eat her because she "tastes like chicken and smells like fish" caught my eye [May 15]. I would agree that oral sex should go both ways and that it's a good idea to stop sleeping with a partner who is unreasonable about satisfying your sexual needs. But the fishy smell may be what turned him off, not oral sex in general.
There may be a very simple explanation for this couple's dilemma. Many sexually active women harbor an oftentimes asymptomatic vaginal infection called bacterial vaginosis (also known as gardnerella, or non-specific vaginitis). The most common symptom of BV is the infamous (and disgusting) fishy odor. BV is not a sexually transmitted disease, however there are two very effective prescription medications for women.
This is an embarrassing problem for a lot of couples. I know I'm asking a lot, Dan, because of your stand on vaginas, but please let your readers know that while almost all vaginal fragrances and discharge are completely normal, this one is not. Thanks so much.
Hey, N: Always happy to promote healthy attitudes about vaginal discharge and fragrance. While some twat-shy breeder boys cry "fish" out of sheer cunnaphobia, there are indeed instances where the woman in question does have an actual, honest to goodness odor problem. Ladies: If your boyfriend adored eating out his last five girlfriends but won't get near your pussy without a snorkel, maybe the problem is yours. So go to the doc and demand some of that BV-bustin' metronidazole, which according to a brochure Nancy was kind enough to enclose, "can be administered by mouth (i.e. tablets) or intravaginally." Intravaginally is brochure-speak for "take this and stick it in your pussy."
Hey, Faggot: In reply to "Prefer Spontaneity" [May 15], you suggested that the viewing of breeder porn might have been responsible for her partners' requests for her to mouth ridiculous pornitudes like, "Fuck me with your big, big cock, big boy." Bingo! You can always tell a porn-fed lover!
Dan, you would do the women o' the world a HUGE favor if you would reveal this fact: The things males do in most porn films will not -- repeat, will NOT -- produce an orgasm in their female partners!! The guys in those films (and, tragically, their emulators) ram away, thighs a-slappin', like they were trying to churn butter. You'd hardly get any clitoral stimulation with aerobics like that! And if they try to get their partners off manually, they rub the tender vaginal area like a belt sander!
The squealing, chatty orgasms these porn-boys produce in their partners are bought and paid for, guys: faux, faux, faux. To even give them credit, the actors do it like this because film requires BIG motions. Even if they show a masturbating woman, she's sawing away at her crotch -- a thing that would hurt like hell but NOT make you come! I don't have anything against pornography per se -- I love good smut. But the airbrushed, Frederick's of Hollywood, twangy-'70s-music-soundtrack fucking is so laughable as to be boring -- and is a damn poor example for the lover-in-training.
Hey, NOB: Good points. Remember, straight boys: Women who appear in porn videos aren't called actresses for nothin'.
Hey, Faggot: Could you please refrain from bashing entire ethnic groups in your column? I refer to your recent comment that Germans are "Aryan rat bastards" who wear jackboots [April 24]. Your being a member of a group that is commonly demonized and stereotyped, I would have thought better of you. You should bone up on German history. You might be surprised to find out that it didn't start in 1933.
Hey, BB: Right you are, German history did not begin in 1933. There's also that 1918 stuff those goddamn huns have to answer for, the rat bastards.
Hey, Faggot: Some guy not only took a shit in this girl's bed, but ran off without apology or explanation, and you told him to "chalk it up to experience," i.e. forget about her [April 17]. Good advice would take her feelings into account. The shitter should return to the scene of the crime with a bouquet of flowers and a set of brand-new bed linens and apologize profusely -- where is your compassion and sense of personal responsibility?
Conscious Human Being
Hey, CHB: Frankly, I thought the letter was a fake and stuck it in a column with other less-than-credible letters, assuming that most of my readers would spot the theme: fiction. But many, many folks wrote in, angered that I'd let the guy off the hook, including an especially angry letter from Dr. Laura. OK, OK: I give up. Assuming that the guy exists, and that he actually crapped the sheets, the offender should return to the scene of the crime with linens and lilies.
Hey, Faggot: I loved the letter from the 28-year-old woman who works out, has a hard body, and loves her ass eaten out [April 17]. I can definitely understand how she feels, because I'm a 38-year-old male who also loves having my ass eaten out. My first time was 14 years ago, when the woman I was then seeing propped me up on my knees, and with her tongue went to town on my asshole, while stroking my cock at the same time. Needless to say, within 5-10 seconds I came into her hand.
I have been a devotee of rimming from that day since. Unfortunately, she and I went our separate ways (she was married). Ever since, I have been trying to find another woman who loved having her ass eaten out and would love to eat out my ass too. Some women I was with enjoyed having it done, others would pull away. Sometimes I was even lucky enough to have someone accommodate me for a little while, but they were never too crazy about it.
I think it's similar to the way oral-genital sex was viewed 30 years ago. I don't think "love my ass eaten out" is abnormal, as I think the anus is the most neglected erogenous zone on both males and females.
Love My Ass Eaten Out Too
Hey, LMAEOT: Thanks for writing.
Hey, Faggot: Recently, you ran a letter from a woman whose husband cheated on her with a "20-year-old bisexual" [May 15]. What difference does it make if the woman who slept with her husband is bisexual? Since she only uses it as a slur, and we know the woman in question sleeps with men, her use of "bisexual" in this case can only be construed as an extremely homophobic remark.
Tired of Bigots
Hey, TOB: She wasn't homophobic, she was biphobic. And so am I, so I let it slide.
Confidential to Bill Clinton and Antonin Scalia: Kiss my faggot ass. You first Mr. Clinton, for agreeing to sign the Defense of Marriage Act. And then you, Mr. Scalia, for your ridiculously hateful dissent on the striking down of Colorado's Amendment 2.