Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): While working as a letter carrier for the post office a few years ago, I learned a thing or two about emerging unmauled from encounters with snarling dogs. And as you approach a climactic showdown with your own inner bitch, I'd like to share my wisdom. 1) Avoid eye contact. 2) Don't scream. 3) Hum a lullaby. 4) Try to use your telepathic powers to convince the beast to settle down. 5) Have a gift or bribe handy. 6) If all else fails, do imitations of Groucho Marx or the Three Stooges.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): I rarely spend five hours composing any one sign's horoscope, but this week yours demanded it. Merely drawing up the planetary charts and meditating on the astrological gestalt weren't sufficient. I also cast the runes, consulted the I Ching, and pored over my recent dreams. But nothing worked. In desperation, I danced in circles till I got dizzy, fell down, and banged my head on the floor. At last, a vision arrived. I saw that you are now being asked to explore the spiritual possibilities of exhaustion. Only when you have worn yourself out failing at every technique that's always worked before will you be graced with a cockeyed deliverance -- and a new assignment.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): What are you supposed to do when jealous friends or passive-aggressive associates pull the magic flying carpet out from under you? Jump right back on -- that's my expert answer. Don't waste any energy feeling humiliated or plotting revenge. Just scramble aboard again and resume your preparations for takeoff. If the offending parties seem to be gearing up to mess with you once more, defuse their energy by agreeing with everything they say. Then, just when they've relaxed because they think they have you cowed, blast off and zip away.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Good news, emotion-lovers. Just in time for your own personal Summer of Love, you've been approved to experience five brand-new, all-electric feelings. Many of those you'll have to choose from are so original they don't even have names yet. I'll take a stab at identifying a few so you'll be able to recognize them if they drop in unexpectedly: fierce tenderness ... thrilling stability ... bashful bravery ... aggressive vulnerability ... grateful guilt ... wise spontaneity ... and much, much more.