REAL ASTROLOGY For an Unreal World

Aries (March 21-April 19): I dreamed you were at a seance conducted by a medium who resembled Georgia O'Keeffe. She summoned the spirits of people in your life who died before you learned what you needed to say to them. She also helped you banish a couple of pesky ghosts that had, unbeknownst to you, been undermining your efforts to bring more structure into your life.

This is a very favorable dream. It means, first of all, that it's a propitious time to have imaginary conversations with those friends and loved ones who passed over to the other side before you resolved your relationships with them. It also suggests you should stage a symbolic funeral for the parts of your personality that are inauthentic, worn-out, or parasitic.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Would the Buddha, who was a Taurus, have disseminated his teachings on the Internet? Would the sage Krishnamurti, another Taurus, have sampled smart drugs? Would Joan of Arc, also born under the sign of the Bull, have consulted a Jungian therapist about her voices? I suggest the answer is yes to all questions. Each of these Tauruses is famous for using revolutionary techniques. As wise and strong as they all were, none was afraid to ask for high-powered assistance.

Now let's turn to a related question. Will you, when confronted with a knotty riddle, dare to seek the help of a resource you've always felt was beyond your power? Or of an idea that's at the frontier of your understanding?

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Executives at the Miller beer company offered to sponsor your horoscope for the next two weeks. I was tempted. They would have paid me handsomely. But I decided the cost was too great, the compromise to my integrity too damaging. In return for their cash, they wanted me to pretend there was some astrological weight to the suggestion that you Geminis should buy a case of their product. But in fact, the planets are giving a message directly contrary to that. You shouldn't be lounging around getting sloshed. You should be working overtime drumming up support for your pet cause or labor of love. Networkers and moneybags are spiraling closer to you, and you should be sidling up to them, whispering sweet (and very sober) somethings in their ears.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Like making hurried love during your lunch break, like listening to your favorite music while a baby squalls nearby, like reading the Reader's Digest abridged version of your holiest book, your life has been more than a few doughnuts short of a dozen lately. Your motto might as well have been Half a truth is better than none. But all that is about to change. The missing doughnuts and the other half of the truth will show up within hours after you read this message.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): It's that puckeringly poignant point in your astrological cycle when you're obligated by natural law to get one of your bubbles burst and one of your sand castles stomped on. But you can minimize the discomfort if you'll take the offensive and do the bursting and stomping yourself. Here's a warm-up exercise to get you in the mood. First, visualize one of your heart's desires. Now imagine that the only way to evolve an even sweeter version of that heart's desire is to prune it way back.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Of the 9,000 great ideas you were allotted for this lifetime, you've only used up a little over 2,300 so far. So what are you waiting for? Not only do you and everyone around you desperately need fresh hot ideas this week; not only are there about a hundred fresh hot ideas inside you ready to pop; the cosmic powers-that-be are also extremely eager -- I'm tempted to say "horny" -- to aid and abet you in translating those notions into pragmatic action. So please stop "saving yourself for later." This is later.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): [Note: Dr. Brezsny channeled the following oracle at the house of a friend after accidentally ingesting a capsule of Prozac, mistakenly thinking it was vitamin C. He apologizes for its cryptic nature but insists it is extremely accurate.]

The inmates will soon seize command of the asylum in a bloodless coup. Once in power, they'll learn quickly how to avoid acting like the control freaks they replaced. With no one reminding them constantly how sick they are, many will experience spontaneous healings. The asylum will turn into a sanctuary.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): It'll be a good week to pursue interspecies relationships, make kissy-poo with old enemies, and leap across abysses (preferably without jogging weights on your ankles). It won't be such a good week to lock yourself in your room with a pile of sterile fantasies, call your mommy every time you get goose bumps, or bore yourself silly with ho-hum challenges. When in doubt, go for the unexpected offer and the improbable victory.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Any minute now, your whole life will flash before your eyes. Not because you'll be shucking this mortal coil. On the contrary. You're about to add a new spring and heft and dazzle to your mortal coil that will make the old model seem like a rusty antique Slinky in comparison. In fact, it'll be a great week for sliding down the banisters of spiral staircases; for decoding the mysteries of your past that've always baffled you; and for studying the lives of your ancestors for clues about what vicious circles to jump out of next.

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