Aries (March 21-April 19): To achieve the proper levels of humility and compassion necessary for total success this week, you should consider imitating Mother Teresa. You could, for instance, clean the toilets of AIDS patients. That's probably too much to ask, though, so let me suggest some less taxing acts of service. Maybe you could wash the feet of people you haven't treated with the respect they deserve. Or perhaps you could seek the advice of people whose wisdom you've unfairly denigrated. How about this: You could clean your own toilet reverently -- not with a resentful, get-it-over-with-as-soon-as-possible attitude, but with a soulful appreciation for the way life on Earth continually offers us chances to overcome the crushing stupidity that comes from having excessive pride.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Dear Dr. Brezsny: I could be crazy, but lately I swear my pet gecko is getting turned on when I undress in front of it. My naked body seems to inspire it to strut and make strange noises and in general act like it's performing some kind of mating dance. Is Mars in Scorpio, or what? -- Taurus Tease
Dear Taurus: No, Mars isn't in Scorpio. But Venus (at least as far as you're concerned) seems to be insatiable. I've rarely seen you exude as much animal magnetism as you are now. I wouldn't be surprised if the whole range of God's creatures finds you more alluring than usual.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): Your luck at solitaire should be soaring these days. Likewise your talents for having arguments with the mirror, taking long private walks, crafting declarations of independence, perfecting the art of solo sex, contemplating your navel, and risking lonely acts of late-night courage. I'm not saying you'll be a failure in tandem activities, or that it's hopeless to improve your relationships. I simply want to emphasize that you'll enjoy flourishes of cosmic assistance whenever you specialize in self-reliance.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): Let's meditate on metaphors for achieving victory by going in reverse. The world of sports provides several: rowing, tug of war, and swimming the backstroke. Now let's contemplate the signs of the zodiac that might be most prone to moving backward in order to head forward. Pisceans have a weak claim, but you Cancerians are hands-down champions. Finally, let's put these two themes together and predict that you Crabs will be unbeatable this week whenever you practice the art of flippy-floppy.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): I'm afraid that unless you take preventive measures immediately, it's going to be a drinking- from-a-fire-hose kind of week. On second thought, maybe you'd like that just fine. A spectacle of gross abundance would, after all, give you lots of bragging rights. People who haven't given you the attention you deserve might suddenly bolt upright and take notice. On third thought, though, is it really worth wasting all those resources just to create a splashy impression?
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): One of humanity's most debilitating problems is our inability to control our mental pictures. I'll personally attest that despite my skills as a meditator, I can sometimes feel pretty helpless once fearful images worm their way into my mind and start messing with my emotions. As a Virgo, with your hair-trigger imagination, you're especially vulnerable to obsessive fantasies. These days, luckily, they're mostly positive; you don't have to worry about drowning in your stream of consciousness. Not only that: Your willpower is unusually strong. That's why this is an ideal time to gain more control over the flow. Lesson 1: Just because a picture pops into your head doesn't mean it's the word of God.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): I'm not a horse person, but I've always wondered: Do horses really enjoy lugging humans around on their backs? Or do they have to be bribed and tricked to do so? Is it possible they agree to such a burdensome task solely because of reward-and-punishment conditioning? Isn't there this implicit statement in every horse-trainer's approach: "Carry me, horse, and I'll care for you and feed you goodies. Don't carry me, and I'll shun you and starve you."
The reason I bring this up, Libra, is that I'd like you to ask yourself if there's any way you're like a domesticated horse. If so, what can you do to undo the programming that made you so ready and willing to be a beast of burden?
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): I for one won't condemn you to hell if you allow your ego to swell to the next biggest size this week. Even an increase in two sizes wouldn't offend me. You have, after all, been toying with the heady habits of heroism -- thumbing your nose at what everyone thinks of you and risking adventures you've always been afraid to try before. Given your courageous chutzpah, I'd say there's even a chance you'll overthrow the emperor whose new clothes you exposed as a fraud. In conclusion, I hereby give you permission to finish all your sentences this week with the portentous phrase "in accordance with prophecy."
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): During the first week of classes, a Sagittarian high school student I know got totally peeved at a lingering zit on her cheek. Washing off the Clearasil, she took a black felt pen and drew a big circle around the offending blemish. Her friends laughed at her audacity, and her enemies were struck dumb. Within a few days, numerous classmates had copied her bold statement, launching a new fashion trend. This scenario illustrates perfectly an approach I think you should experiment with this week: creatively confronting, not cravenly concealing, your flaws. It could very well become a source of unexpected power and authority and influence.