Hey, Faggot: I need your help fast! I am going overseas to visit my lover, whom I have not seen for four months. We are deeply in love, and when we get together we are going to hump like bunnies! The problem is that, for a variety of reasons too complicated to go into, we are unable to use any real effective birth control. Pills are out, condoms prove excruciatingly painful, and she is not in a location where a diaphragm or -- heaven forbid -- an IUD is a possibility.
Originally I thought we would be satisfied with mutual oral gratification, intense foreplay, some experimentation, and maybe even a little backdoor action. But I started having powerful fantasies about filling up my lover in the way only intercourse can. She's been having these dreams, too. Which is riskier, my being in her early on and bringing her to orgasm fairly quickly and then retreating; or her going down on me, bringing me off, and then my entering her while still stiff and wiped clean? Any other suggestions?
P.S. She is more than willing to take the risk. She has been tracking her ovulation to see when we can best avoid high fertility, etc.
Hey, FE: Since your girlfriend is someplace she can't get her twat on a diaphragm or -- heaven forbid -- an IUD, it's safe to assume she's also someplace that lacks a good, safe abortion service provider. Which is unfortunate, since she could very well be pregnant by the time you get back on that plane. (Overseas, is she? Peace Corps somewhere? A convent in Ireland? Stationed in Kuwait?)
Look, I can't grant you absolution. You rule out every birth control method known to man, and then want some reassurance that the variations on the rhythm method you lay out above are gonna save your ass. Well, as the son of practicing Catholics who had four kids in 3 1/2 years, I can tell you, just as sure as I am sitting here typing this, that the rhythm method don't work too well. Neither does pulling out, putting it in "just a little," or any of the other ignorant/adolescent/Catholic approaches to population control.
But what I'd like to know, Mr. Stupid, is what exactly is so "excruciatingly painful" about the condoms you're using? They're not those special condoms, are they? The ones dusted with a fine layer of ground glass? Now that smarts! Otherwise, I can't think of what would make a condom "excruciatingly painful," besides improper usage, or an easily correctable lack of lubrication.
Hey, Faggot: I am a 22-year-old female in love with another female who happens to be my best friend. We were in a relationship about a year ago and she hurt me by leaving me for another female. I am still in love with her and now she wants me back, and I don't know what to do. My body and my heart say, "Hell yeah!" but my mind says, "Hey, think about it." What do you think?
Hey, JC: Your body, your heart, and your sex advice columnist all think the same thing: Hell yeah, take her back. At 22, you can afford to give your crotch (body + heart = crotch) the benefit of the doubt.
Hey, Faggot: I am a 32-year-old heterosexual male, and I have a bondage fetish. I enjoy being bound and gagged in the nude. I have never had a partner who liked or shared my love of bondage, and as a result I have had to explore the joys of this fetish by myself. I was wondering if there were any bondage clubs or organizations in Chicago that you might have heard of where I could meet other people who also like bondage?
Hey, BL: They're not strictly a bondage club, but you should check out the Chicagoland Discussion Group. For "adults over the age of 21 interested in safe, sane and consensual S/M, B/D, D/S, and leather fetish activities," CDG hosts workshops (CDG University), play parties, and publishes a quarterly newsletter stuffed with personal ads. Call CDG's 24-hour info line (1-312-281-1097) for more info. If you're too scared to call, you can write CDG at 3023 N. Clark St. #806, Chicago, IL 60657-5205.
Hey, Faggot: Oh, so the little gay guy thinks we women shouldn't call our genitals "insipid" things like "yoni" or "Cupid's cave" [Aug. 21]. Well, let me tell you something: You guys have been giving your sexual equipment names for years, cool macho names like "willie," "boner," "wang," "dong," "dingus," "pocket rocket," ad nauseam.
On the other hand, women's body parts have been named by you, collectively. Women were not supposed to talk about it, and certainly not supposed to make up names for it. But that's all changed now. If the sister wants to call her twat "yoni," "muffin," or "the taco of love," she's entitled. So back off.
This isn't some homosexual cuntophobic thing, is it?
Hey, PL: 1) Little gay guy? I'm 6 feet 1 inch and weigh 180 pounds, lady. I'm a lot of things, but wee isn't one of them.
2) What I objected to wasn't the naming itself, but the "sacred sex" mumbo jumbo the original writer employed to describe her taco of love: "I think of my yoni as a sanctuary of creative feminine powers, Cupid's cave, and a lotus of her wisdom." I don't know about you, but I've always believed, perhaps foolishly, that a woman's creative powers were between her ears, not her legs. When a woman ascribes to her pussy all the powers I associate with a woman's brain, it makes me cringe. And, ironically enough, women who would kick a man's ass for reducing them to what's between their legs are usually the very same women who'll happily reduce themselves to what's between their legs.
3) If you were in bed with a guy who described his cock as "the lightning rod of his creative powers, Zeus' thunderbolt, and the log of his wisdom," wouldn't you find him just a bit insipid? Conceited? Annoying? Full of shit? I would.
4) As for cuntophobia, I happily admit to suffering from that pernicious affliction. Hide one of those Hustler magazine centerfold roadkill close-ups under my pillow, and I won't sleep for a week. But I agree that women should be free to call their twats whatever they care to. (I'm content to call them from afar, long distance, collect, etc.)
Confidential to Dickless: Five inches ain't all that, but it ain't no gunshot wound either. Big dicks, like thin women, get all the good press, but plenty of people like little dicks, and, likewise, plenty of people dig fat chicks. Your mission is to find one of the former. For support, get in touch with Small Etc., an organization for the "small-endowed or short in stature man." Small Etc. publishes the Small Gazette which, in addition to general interest stories, features loads of contact ads -- from small people, and people who like small people. Really, Dickless, your "problem" is a point in your favor in enough people's eyes that you don't have to be alone. Write to: Small Etc., PO Box 610294, Bayside, NY 11361. And before anyone bites my head off, Dickless here signed his letter "Dickless." I didn't slap that label on him.