Savage Love

"Bodily secretions are water-based. You can make bodily secretion stains easier to remove by diluting them, soaking the garment or the stain. But this usually isn't necessary." What if your girlfriend is too shy to take a come-stained garment to the dry cleaner? " 'Albumin' is the technical dry-cleaning term for bodily secretion. She should simply indicate to the dry cleaner that this garment is albumin-stained if she's too shy to say, 'My boyfriend shot on this.' " But tell your girlfriend not to be shy: "A dry cleaner," Michael says, "is like a doctor -- you can tell us anything." Is a doctor anything like a dry cleaner? "I don't think so," says Dr. Gaster. "There are a lot of professions that are like being a doctor, but dry cleaning isn't one that comes to mind."

Hey, Faggot: Come (sperm) is spelled c-u-m.

Hey, SB: Of all the words given a second, sexual meaning through slang usage, why does this one require an alternate spelling? We don't "suk dik," eat "pussee," sit on "kocks," get "bloh jahbs," or nuzzle "juggs," do we? "Cum" is an adolescent, Hustler magazine affectation that I simply cannot endorse.

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And the fact that the word is both noun and verb further complicates the matter. As noun, it's always cum: "Look, there's some cum lying there." "Oh, I have cum in my eye." Not so when used as verb: "Cum on me, baby." "He came on me." If in the present tense, the slang verb for ejaculate requires an alternate spelling, why not in its past tense? Why don't we say, "She cam/caam/camme/caim/c@me when I ate her out"? Because it's a stoopid thing to do, that's why.

And what if you need to use both the noun and verb form in one sentence? Writing "He came in my mouth, so I swallowed his cum" is stylistically inconsistent, don't you think? Looks sloppy. How much simpler it is to use the standard four-letter spelling and allow the word to have, as so many words do, more than one meaning.

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