Party Types

Whether Democrat, Republican, or crypto-fascist, this is your guide to the best in Election Night bashing

Proposition 215 -- Legal Medical Marijuana Just a rare vase's throw from the de Young soiree will be the victory party for Prop. 215, the medicinal marijuana legalization measure, held at the old Jefferson Airplane mansion on Fulton near Stanyan. Stroll through the hallowed, mellowed halls of clothing and colorful trinket vendor booths. Don't worry if you get lost; areas will be triple-marked for those with short-term memory loss! Enjoy a complimentary high-risk glaucoma screening in the VIP "Comfort Zone" lounge, aka Grace Slick's former bedroom, where admission requires a note from a doctor, veterinarian, or someone currently working as a hospital intern. Don't miss the "Cave of Internet Awesomeness," which features pre-signed prescription pad templates, and free on-line time for e-mail flaming of Attorney General Dan Lungren.

Proposition 209 -- Ending State Affirmative Action The "Take Back America" bash for Prop. 209, which eliminates affirmative action programs by the state, will be held at Marina Green (renamed "Marina White" for the occasion). Tap your loafers to the upbeat sounds of Bud E. Love and Big Bang Beat on the "CEO Stage." Wolf down some porterhouse steaks from Union Street's finest restaurants, and quench your thirst from the Johnny Love's bartenders, serving Chai teas, mint juleps, and Jack Daniel's mango smoothie specials. Vintage SS patrol cars on display come courtesy of the Hillsborough Antique Deusenberg Car Club, which offers free temporary swastika tattoos for the kids. The "Junior Exec Stage" features the Bohemian Grove Players' re-creations of classic cutup comedy sketches by Amos 'n' Andy, Senor Wences, and the riotous Jose Jimenez. Stanford University's donated Jumbotron big-screen will open the gala with a satellite-link invocation by former Gov. George Wallace, followed by continuous screenings of the Martin Luther King commercial that was taken off the air. The party is open to all, and if you're a minority, you're more than welcome to join in the cleanup!

Margo St. James for Supervisor You'll really want to drop into the victory party for prostitution activist Margo St. James, candidate for city supervisor, held at the glitzy Hilton Hotel, a short walk from the action-packed corner of Geary and Leavenworth. The theme for Margo's hobnob is "Tipping Is Not Just a City in China," featuring live entertainment by the Kuntry Kunts and the "You Datin' Tonight?" all-nude dance troupe. Vice cops and politicians can rest easy -- a county health nurse will be administering mandatory penicillin inoculations to them at the lobby entrance. Guests are encouraged to nibble their way through the "whore d'oeuvres" from the Exotic Dancers Alliance, and party down with drink specials like Sex on the Beach, "You Can Lead a Whore to Water" punch, and Skyy Vodka "money shots." Adventurous shoppers can streetwalk through vendor booths of everything from perfume samples, high heels, and sweater dress manufacturers to spatula spanking and Catholic priest S/M demonstrations.

Republican Party Bash Traditionalists will want to mark the Republican Party's smoker on the evening's not-to-be-missed list. Proudly hoisting the theme of "Grand Old Party -- Emphasis on the Old," the bash kicks things off with an all-you-can-eat clambake at the American Legion Golden Gate Post 40 building at 401 Van Ness, featuring, in honor of Bob Dole, reinforced railings around the barbecue pit. Organizers say the local smoking ordinance will be temporarily waived, and guests are encouraged to drown their sorrows at the open bar, which will be pouring quarts of Kentucky bourbons. An on-line commiseration with Newt Gingrich is promised, co-sponsored by Philip Morris and Tums. Scheduled entertainment includes the Christian Coalition's R&B band the Clean-House Rockers, the Seaview Terrace Demolay Flag-Wavers Drill Team, and a speech from "a Negro person as yet to be determined."

Democrats' Bash Downtowners with a thirst for reverie will find it at the house-raising for the Democratic Party, held at the exact equidistant median point of the city's geographic ethnicity, located between Chinatown, Japantown, the Mission, the Bayview projects, the Castro, the Irish Richmond, the Vietnamese Tenderloin, and Pacific Heights: i.e., Moscone Center. But building that bridge to the 21st century takes sustenance, provided here via the winning entries from the afternoon's "Post-Welfare Empowerment Bake-Off." Double-dip to your bleeding heart's content at the "Equal Opportunity Punch Bowl," and enjoy the nonjudgmental performances from the General Choice Glee Club, La Raza Galeria's Left-Handed Poets Without Partners, and the Robert Gabriel Mugabe Memorial Lesbian Dance Auxiliary. Turn the kids loose in the "It's a Small World" Internet playroom, where they can log onto the bank of "Can't We All Get Along" chat rooms and empathize with children from other countries and socioeconomic backgrounds. Meanwhile, adults will be kicking up a multiculti monsoon of fun, as qualified instructors lead the crowd in macarena lessons, dancing to Fleetwood Mac's Rumors album!

--Jack Boulware and Tom McNichol

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