REAL ASTROLOGY For an Unreal World

Aries (March 21-April 19): Fake magic alert! Watch out for mirages, delusions, and hoaxes -- especially the sexy ones. Don't you dare let these impostors upstage the real magic that's on its way. It won't be easy. You'll have to be as skeptical as a scientist and as open-minded as a mystic at the same time. The authentic miracle may be barely distinguishable from the phonies.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Entomologists in California decided to research the best way to respond to a bee sting. Should you scrape off the stinger or pinch it and pull it out? Conventional wisdom holds that the squeeze-and-extract method shoots more venom into the wound, but the scientists found that not to be the case. The only important rule, they say, is to get the damn thing out as fast as possible. Which is my advice to you this week, Taurus, if by chance you're pierced by a prickly irritation. Don't sit there and waffle about what to do. Just remove it pronto.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Please don't send me a lock of your hair or a check for $100 or the good luck charm you've had since you were a kid. I'll gladly cast a love spell in your behalf without pandering to your superstitions or picking your pocket. The only condition I place on this gift is that you allow me to cast the spell on you and you alone -- not on the person you lust for. My ethics don't allow me to mess with people's desires against their will. Besides, your love for yourself is what needs most work. And nothing's more likely to launch a parade of admirers your way than if you cultivate a Buddha-like smile oozing with inner peace.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): I wish you and I could gather in Marrakech, Morocco, this week. Specifically, I wish we could hang out with the sword-swallowers and con men and beggars in that place called Djemma el Fna, or "assembly place of the nobodies." Few projects would fulfill our current spiritual assignment better than to include ourselves among the ranks of such a crowd. We desperately need to feel empty, you see. Empty and egoless and utterly free of self-importance. If you can't manage a pilgrimage to this sacred blank spot right now, at least try to simulate such a sanctuary in your immediate environs.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Have you always had a fantasy about making love with a stranger in a uniform? Well you can purge that from your list of possibilities in the next couple of weeks. It ain't gonna happen. Or if it does, it'll be stupid and pointless. Likewise, if you're dreaming of kissing a blemish-free celebrity or reliving the sexy exploits of your adolescence or getting cozy with a saint who understands you perfectly -- just forget it. No chance. You're sniffing out the wrong scent. If, on the other hand, you'd be willing to lie down with a familiar companion or two and draw out their half-dormant powers, this could be the hottest week for love in months.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): I dreamed you found yourself in the ridiculous position of sitting on a nest of eggs. I couldn't believe you'd gotten roped into this somnolent task. You're a fidgety activist, after all, not a relaxed idler. What was worse was that the hatching process was taking much longer than you'd been led to believe. You were squirming, impatient, more than ready to move on to the next project. Trouble was, you'd already put in a lot of time there, and you were afraid it would go to waste if you abandoned the job now. As you sat there twitching and fussing, a genie floated up to you and whispered, "What if I told you that those eggs you're sitting on are destined to hatch into golden geese that lay golden eggs?"

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Not-so-good ways to spend your time this week: sucking up to pied pipers; biting the hand that feeds you; looking a gift horse in the mouth; spitting in the wind; relying on cliches. Good ways to spend your time: upgrading your kissing techniques; giving juicy gossip in return for getting juicy gossip; sticking out your tongue at bullies; talking about how to improve everyone's communication; trying new taste sensations.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): I stopped in at the deli for lunch today. The woman assembling my sandwich was muttering angrily to herself the whole time. When a co-worker asked her some innocent question, she flashed him the evil eye. Minutes later, as I paid at the register, she stormed outside, slamming the door and jabbering wild curses. Suddenly my appetite vanished. I was sure her agitated vibes had flooded into my sandwich. Before leaving, I tossed it in the trash. The moral of the story, as far as you're concerned, is this: Your emotions will have an amazing power to saturate and change everything you touch this week. Remember that anytime you have to choose between your long-range dreams and the immediate gratification of getting totally pissed off.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): I think I've come up with an improvement on the Golden Rule. The old formula goes like this: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. A noble sentiment, yes, but maybe a bit selfish, too. It seems to imply that the motivation for being nice to people is so they'll return the favor. Compare it with this gem from John Wooden: You can't have a perfect day without doing something for someone who'll never be able to repay you. To me, that's an even more golden Golden Rule. Especially for the most generous folks of the zodiac at the most generous phase of their astrological cycle: you Sagittarians right now.