Suspicious Minds

Eddie Vedder is bad. I know that because I read it in Rolling Stone. Rolling Stone, which is good, says Eddie Vedder is bad so he must be bad. Eddie Vedder is a rock star. Rock stars are good because they're famous. Fame is good because people know who you are. People knowing who you are is good. But Eddie Vedder is bad because he doesn't like being famous, which is good. Not only does he miss his privacy, that little big mouth talks about missing it. That's not just bad, that's wrong. Eddie Vedder is a hypocrite. Hypocrites are bad. I read in Rolling Stone, which is good, that Eddie Vedder says being famous is hard even though he always wanted to be famous. That is a contradiction. Contradictions are bad because they're hard. Wanting to be famous is bad because wanting things is bad. Eddie Vedder is also bad because he is ambitious. Having ambition is bad because it means you're a snob who thinks you can do better if you try and work hard and have talent or something. Eddie Vedder was always ambitious. I read that in Rolling Stone. When Eddie Vedder lived in San Diego and played in a band, he called clubs and set up gigs so they could play in front of people. Playing in front of people is bad because you might get famous, which is bad. Eddie Vedder was bad then, too, because he talked to other musicians and tried to make friends with them. This is bad because it is not cool. Evan Dando is good because once, Eddie Vedder gave him a flier for his show and Evan Dando threw it on the ground, which was cool. The Red Hot Chili Peppers are bad because they liked Eddie Vedder, who is bad. They liked Eddie Vedder so much they took him backpacking. Backpacking is bad because the woods are bad. The woods are probably bad because there are no videos there. But I wouldn't know, because I don't go into the bad woods because I'm too busy reading good Rolling Stone. Eddie Vedder was also bad because, as his old bandmates told Rolling Stone, he once gave some homeless people food. Giving homeless people food is bad because if you do that, you are just an egomaniacal poseur who thinks you can do some good or something. Doing good is bad. Eddie Vedder is also bad because his then-girlfriend, now-wife, Beth, worked for a record company. Record companies are bad because they make records. Records are bad because they contain songs. Songs are bad because they don't have pictures. Pictures are good, which is what makes videos good. And if Eddie Vedder won't make videos, which is bad, he should at least tour so his fans have something to look at. But Eddie Vedder is bad because he can't tour right. He can't tour right, which is bad, because Eddie Vedder is mad at TicketMaster. TicketMaster is so bad that even Rolling Stone says it's bad. TicketMaster is bad but so is standing in line for two hours, which is what Eddie Vedder's fans have to do now to bypass TicketMaster. Standing in line is, of course, bad.

Eddie Vedder is bad for other reasons, too. Eddie Vedder is bad because he says he was unhappy in high school. But Rolling Stone, which is good, talked to bad Eddie Vedder's high-school classmates and they said he was popular, which is good, and cute, which is good. But Eddie Vedder says high school was bad but since everyone knows that being a teen-ager in high school is always good, then Eddie Vedder is lying, which is bad. Eddie Vedder is also bad because Kurt Cobain didn't like him. Kurt Cobain was good and Kurt Cobain said Eddie Vedder plays "cock rock" and Kurt Cobain was always right. Because Kurt Cobain was good. And when you're good, you're always right. And when you're bad, you're always wrong. And according to Rolling Stone, which is good, Eddie Vedder is bad.

By Sarah Vowell
svowell@aol.com