Slap Shots

Clairvoyant stops, realizing he didn't want to get this far into it. But it's too late.

"Raël is Jesus," he says quietly. "Fifty percent of him is alien."
As a friend and I walk out of the hotel, Union Square is still bustling with holiday shoppers. Suddenly a bright incandescence looms over the Embarcadero buildings, and an oblong shape zips above our heads, modified Elohim logo clearly visible on its side. A panel retracts, and a peculiar whirring device begins furiously sucking Christmas merchandise out of the store windows and up into the belly of the craft, leaving shards of glass carpeting the streets. It whips out over the city and hovers above the bay. A blinding tube of light then commences funneling down an amazing stream of Fila 2 A System athletic shoes, Coach and DKNY handbags, Bang & Olufsen Proton 34-inch wide-screen direct-view stereo monitor/receivers, the entire Gump elf display, and hundreds of Disney 101 Dalmatian products -- backpacks, sweat shirts, mugs, vests, nightshirts with matching slippers, cosmetic bags, pocket organizers, Christmas ornaments, plush toys, caps, "dog house designer kits," "Kanine Krunchies" dog food containers -- all fire-hosing straight into the waves of the bay at powerful speed, leaving spectators to wonder.

Question: Was this a message from Raël, the Elohim, the French, or the Jews?

Address all correspondence to: Slap Shots, c/o SF Weekly, 425 Brannan, San Francisco, CA 94107; phone: (415) 536-8152; e-mail: slapshawts@aol.com.

By Jack Boulware