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Metallica's Christmas Party
Not that you could get in, or, if you're anything other than a PR pucker-up or a die-hard hair farmer, that you'd want to. But allegedly, sometime this week, somewhere on Mission Street in the 'Loin/SOMA DMZ, a private warehouse space will serve as Metallica's Yuletide headquarters. What could one expect of such an auspicious cotillion? What would dangle from the Christmas tree? What could be found floating in the eggnog? What figurines would huddle around the Baby Jesus in the Christmas creche, and what would they be doing to him? Or could it be that even decadence is grossly overrated? Too bad we'll never know. Merry Christmas.

-- Michael Batty

The exact location, date, and time of the Metallica Christmas Party are none of your concern. Besides, they're moving it elsewhere even as you read, so don't bother trying to find out.