REAL ASTROLOGY For an Unreal World

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): War! Famine! Pestilence! Earthquakes! Crime! Scandal! Those storytellers known as "journalists" love and thrive on the nihilistic vision of the world captured in screaming headlines like that. But they're not the only fabulists who do so. A majority of the prophets down through the ages have been allergic to the possibility that the future might hold something besides endless tragedy and disaster. From the 16th century's Nostradamus to today's Gordon Michael Scallion, the most famous fortunetellers have possessed scaremongering skills rivaling those of horrormeister Stephen King. And yet, my research into the unreported history of humanity has proved to me that wonders and marvels have forever unfolded in awesome profusion -- and never more than they are now, as the 20th century careens to a close.

Which brings us to midwinter 1997. In the many years I've been an astrologer, I've never seen so many uplifting, exhilarating, and inspiring aspects happening all at once. If any aspiring parents had asked me last year when to conceive a child so that it would be born with the most radiant possible natal chart, I would have advised them to shoot for the time between Jan. 23 and Feb. 16, with special emphasis on the next 10 days.

Here's the technical skinny: The expansive planet Jupiter, lovey-dovey Venus, and revolutionary Uranus are all converging with the Sun and the Moon to stage a veritable orgy in the notoriously uproarious sign of Aquarius. But that ain't all. The energizing planet Mars will be trine to these five heavenly bodies, which means it'll be lending its sweetest favors to the celebration. Meanwhile, both Saturn and Pluto will be sextile to the main event, and will furthermore be trine to each other. Oh boisterous sweetness! Oh intriguing happiness! Oh soulful progress!

Every sign will capitalize on the exquisite gifts of this cosmic blessing, Aquarius, but your luck will be most fabulous of all. I predict that a door will unexpectedly open for you -- a door to a future you've barely even dared to hope for.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): I wouldn't be surprised if this week you find yourself pacing in circles and muttering "Where in God's name have I landed?" and "How in the world did I get here?" and "Who the hell am I?" Don't be alarmed. It's actually a very positive development. It means you're about to receive stunningly lucid new answers to those questions. Read the Aquarius message for further explanation.

Aries (March 21-April 19): Marketing experts say that getting a person to say yes to a big question is more likely if you establish momentum first with lesser questions to which it's easy to answer yes. I highly advise you to take this approach this week. It's prime time to make requests and extend invitations you've been waiting for the perfect moment to risk. To inspire yourself further, read this week's Aquarius message.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Even in normal times I would nominate you Taureans as the sign most likely to be able to balance the books by day and walk on the wild side by night. But this is not a normal time. Read this week's Aquarius message to find out why. Then you'll know why I predict that you're about to do a superb imitation of both the work habits of ants and the play habits of monkeys.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): The longest flight of a chicken in recorded history was 13 seconds. I believe that mark is likely to be broken this week by a chicken born under the sign of Gemini. In fact, the astrological aspects are extremely favorable for any Gemini creature that attempts to soar, skyrocket, bolt for freedom, or take amazing leaps of faith. To find out more, read this week's Aquarius horoscope.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): What if I told you that you're finally about to master an ancient lesson in love that you've had to study over and over and over again? And what if I told you that because of imminent breakthroughs in your relationship to relationships, a tragically boring old history will never again repeat itself? Would you lean out the nearest window and shout "hallelujah"? Would you smear yourself with honey and summon the best licker you know? If you said "yes," then start shouting and smearing; your prayers will soon be answered. For confirmation of this, read this week's Aquarius message.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Remember when the Soviet Union collapsed a few years ago? Suddenly the American government was deprived of the adversary it had built its policies around for half a century. I predict that an analogous event is about to take place in your own life. Your favorite enemy -- the idea or thing or persons you've loved to hate for many moons -- is about to exit, evaporate, or expire. Can you handle it? I think so. To psych yourself up, read this week's Aquarius message.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): In ancient Rome, the slaves used to celebrate a holiday called the Compitalia. For that one day, they had license to repudiate their oppression and be their own masters. I predict that the week ahead will bring a comparable festival for you. Unlike the original, though, the liberation you seize may very well last longer than one day -- possibly far longer. To understand why I'm making this giddy prediction, read this week's Aquarius message.

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