REAL ASTROLOGY For an Unreal World

Aries (March 21-April 19): I've ghostwritten a personal ad for you to give to your Valentine or place in your local paper's classifieds: "I am impossible to live with ... but then isn't everyone? I will drive you crazy ... but in the most interesting ways possible. You don't want to get mixed up with me ... unless you love to have every one of your certainties challenged and unless you get horny in the face of unimaginable adventures and unless you're ready to never be bored again."

Taurus (April 20-May 20): I've ghostwritten a personal ad for you to give to your Valentine or place in your local paper's classifieds: "Do you have a dancer's body, a writer's mind, an artist's hands, and an underwear model's face? If so, you're probably too slick for me. I'm a down-to-earth magician who loves gritty reality far more than glittery fantasies. Like the skilled Japanese pottery-makers whose work is valued for its trademark blemishes, I thrive on life's imperfections. I'll love you for who you are, not who you might be someday."

Gemini (May 21-June 20): I've ghostwritten a personal ad for you to give to your Valentine or place in your local paper's classifieds: "James Thurber once said of a ruined relationship, 'Our love never ripened into friendship.' But I promise you no one'll ever say that about me and you. I'm not just a flirtatious seducer lusting after your sex, sweetheart; I'm a multifaceted companion who wants to collaborate with every single one of your nooks and crannies. My goal in life is to be addicted to kissing my very best buddy."

Cancer (June 21-July 22): I've ghostwritten a personal ad for you to give to your Valentine or place in your local paper's classifieds: "Come into my Soul Kitchen, baby. Slink into my Big Yumyum and let me stoke your forbidden pleasures. I've got goodies for you, sweetheart. I've got honey kisses and dazzle-nectar, ambrosial caresses and strawberry pancake breakfasts in bed, forever and ever, amen. Feel your mouth water? Feel your mind and heart unite in their craving for my delicious feast? Give in to the magic, sweetheart. Slip into my Soul Kitchen and let's fill each other up. Now please repeat after me: 'All I want is everything.' (P.S. Free jelly doughnuts to all comers.)"

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): I've ghostwritten a personal ad for you to give to your Valentine or place in your local paper's classifieds: "I have everything you want and more, honey, so what the hell are you waiting for? Get your sweet ass over here and serenade me in intricate detail about just what a gorgeous, radiant creature I am. Kneepads will be provided, but keep in mind that I want a smart worshiper, not a robotic slave. In return, of course, I'll give you my heart of gold and an emotional life so rich you'll think you're a millionaire."

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): I've ghostwritten a personal ad for you to give to your Valentine or place in your local paper's classifieds: "My astrologer has informed me that the gods have finally lifted the hex that's kept me from giving and getting all the love I deserve. My karmic debts are all paid up, at least the romantic ones! So what do you say we celebrate? I'm no expert at guiltless fun, but I'm willing to learn at the hands of a master. If you smell good and know how to make love with your mind as well as your body, that's the only love spell I need."

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): I've ghostwritten a personal ad for you to give to your Valentine or place in your local paper's classifieds: "Tired of both boringly nice goodie-goodies and menacing lunatics trying to pass off their pathologies as 'sexy'? I'm the happy medium, sweetheart: a crafty straddler of the mysterious edge where yes and no overlap, where the difference between bad and good just ain't that simple. Give me the chance to wow you with my mastery of the contradictions. Let's drink in the twisted lyrics of a Marilyn Manson CD, then attend a New Age workshop on how to commit random acts of kindness. I swear you're going to thrive on my talent for balancing the whole crazy world on the end of my wits."

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): I've ghostwritten a personal ad for you to give to your Valentine or place in your local paper's classifieds: "Fire-breathing Scorpio with voodoo-doll eyes and a talent for walking on the water seeks a sinner who's at least half as silky and slippery as me. I don't just want a lover, in other words, I want a partner in crime -- preferably with no outstanding warrants and an elegant collection of sex toys. Good table manners definitely not important. My inner child wants to get into the funnest possible trouble with your inner child."

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): I've ghostwritten a personal ad for you to give to your Valentine or place in your local paper's classifieds: "If you think a hundred words can describe me adequately, you obviously need a more superficial lover with a brain far emptier than mine. I'm so crammed full of dreams and schemes that being with me is like having three different lovers at the same time. Think you can keep up? Then let the experiments begin. I'll be your wild-eyed, smart-mouthed, spread-eagled muse if you'll be mine."

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