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Hey, Faggot: While my buddy -- straight, I thought -- was out East for Xmas, I stayed at his apartment so his place wouldn't be empty. I made myself at home. I drank his beer, I ate his food, I watched his movies. I also watched his homemade pornos: him and his two girlfriends. I know it was wrong, but he said to make myself at home! They were pretty hot, not because the sex was so great, but because I knew these people.

Here's the weird part: There was a video of him curled up sucking his own dick! This one also got me excited. OK, so here's the questions: Is he gay? Is he bi? Would a straight guy do this? Is this a common ability, straight or gay, or is he one unusual dude? He doesn't know I saw his tapes.

Mr. Nosy

Hey, MN: You watched a videotape of your best friend sucking his own dick, which "excited you," and you're wondering if your buddy is gay or bi? WHAT ABOUT YOU?! You're the one getting turned on watching videos of him suck his dick, for cryin' out loud. PROJECTING much? Are you wondering if your buddy's bi, or are you hoping he is?

For the record: Sucking his own dick does not make your buddy gay, any more than jerking off makes him gay. Consider: A guy giving another guy a hand job is doing a pretty gay thing, but a guy giving himself a hand job might be doing a gay thing, and then again he might not. It depends on what he's thinking about: Is he pretending his right hand is Luke Skywalker's hairy blond butt, or Princess Leia Lipsmacker's rather more generous rear end? (Sorry -- I saw Star Wars last night.) Giving yourself a blow job doesn't make you any gayer than giving yourself a hand job. If you're alone, it's just jerkin' off, masturbation, good ol'-fashioned self-pleasurin'.

Is your pal unusual? Yes. Only those few guys out there with very limber backs and relatively long dicks can manage to suck themselves off. I will concede that a gay guy with limber/length working for him might be likelier to do this than a similarly endowed straight boy, if only because the gay boy isn't afraid that sucking his own dick is going to make him gay -- he's already gay! Straight boys, on the other hand, often let homosexual panic keep them from all sorts of sexual pleasures that they perceive as "gay." Like getting fucked in the ass, for instance. You don't have to be a gay man to enjoy getting fucked in the ass, but it seems to help.

Hey, Faggot: My boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 1/2 years. The whole time it's been long-distance. He will finally be graduating from college this year, and at last we have the chance to be together. However, he wants to move to L.A. to pursue his dream of being an actor. I hate L.A., and I don't want to move there. Besides, I moved to Chicago six months ago, and I like it. Should I be offended that he doesn't want to move to Chicago and be with me? I mean, he certainly could pursue an acting career here. Or should I move to L.A.? Maybe I should forget the whole thing and take out a personal ad and find a new boyfriend. Please give me some advice I can live with.

Distantly in Love

Hey, DIL: There's no winning this one. You both have, basically, the exact same reasons why the other should give in. His position is "If you really loved me, you'd move to L.A." And your position is "If you really loved me, you'd move to Chicago." Under most circumstances, I would declare this one a draw and order you two to break up.

But in your case, I'm going to advise you to give in and move to L.A. with him. First of all, you've only been in Chicago for six months. It's not as if he's asking you to pull up deeply driven roots and move to Siberia or some other frozen wasteland far from the home you love. And, come on: If he really wants to make a living as an actor, he does need to move to L.A. Acting in Chicago has its rewards, but none of them are financial.

And here's another good reason to move to L.A. with him: Odds are good that once you get to L.A. this relationship will fall apart pretty quickly, as so many long-term, long-distance relationships do once the partners finally "have the chance to be together." When it does, you can move back to Chicago, take out personal ads, and find yourself a man with a sensible career, without wondering for the rest of your life what might have been if you'd moved to L.A. And even if you do go with him, and things work out at first, once he gets rich and famous, he'll probably dump you, become a Scientologist, and marry some piece of supermodel trash. Then you can take him for all he's worth (provided the Scientologists haven't beaten you to it), move back to sweet home Chicago, and buy yourself as many boyfriends as you can handle.

Hey, Faggot: I am a straight white male involved with a woman who loves anal sex. After "doing" her several times, I am hooked on anal sex. My girl tells me there are many women who like to get fucked in the ass. She also tells me that white women have anal sex more than black and Hispanic women (we are white). Is this true?

Backdoor Man

Hey, BM: Yes it is, according to The Social Organization of Sexuality, the big book o' sex trivia compiled by the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago. Almost one in four white women surveyed had had anal sex on at least one occasion, vs. fewer than one in five Hispanic women, and fewer than one in 10 black women. The sex fiends at the University of Chicago could've botched the numbers -- this is, after all, the same study that "discovered" only 1 percent of the population of the United States to be gay or lesbian. If that were true, I'd like to know exactly who's buying up all those Jeff Stryker dildos, tickets to women's pro basketball games, bottles of "video head cleaner," and Sondheim CDs.

Speaking of Stephen Sondheim -- which we weren't, but it's my column -- gay men, do you ever have one of those moments, just strolling along, living your life, when you suddenly think, "Goddamn! I am one big-ass fag!" And have you noticed that those big-ass-fag awareness moments are almost never when you're, say, doing something really gay, like sucking on some dick, or fuckin' some butt? It happened to me just the other day: I was walking down the street with my boyfriend, having a really heated argument about which is better: the London or Broadway cast recordings of A Little Night Music. He prefers Broadway, while I prefer London. I mean, why do we even care? But we do. We almost broke up! Hey, if you're reading this Mr. Sondheim, please settle this for us before we come to blows: Which do you like better? London, right?

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  • Nevada City and the South Yuba River: A gold country getaway

    Nestled in the green pine-covered hills of the Northern Sierra Nevada is the Gold Rush town of Nevada City. Beautiful Victorian houses line the streets, keeping the old-time charm alive, and a vibrant downtown is home to world-class art, theater and music. The nearby South Yuba River State Park is known for its emerald swimming holes during the summer and radiant leaf colors during autumn. These days the gold panning is more for tourists than prospectors, but the gold miner spirit is still in the air.

    South Yuba River State Park and Swimming Holes:
    The park runs along and below 20 miles of the South Yuba River, offering hiking, mountain biking, gold panning and swimming. The Highway 49 bridge swimming hole is seven-miles northwest of Nevada City where Highway 49 crosses the South Yuba River. Parking is readily available and it is a short, steep hike to a stunning swimming hole beneath a footbridge. For the more intrepid, trails extend along the river with access to secluded swim spots. The Bridgeport swimming hole has calm waters and a sandy beach -- good for families and cookouts -- and is located 14 miles northwest of Nevada City. Be sure to write down directions before heading out, GPS may not be available. Most swimming holes on the South Yuba River are best from July to September, while winter and spring can bring dangerous rapids. Always know the current before jumping in!

    Downtown Nevada City
    The welcoming, walkable downtown of Nevada City is laid back, yet full of life. Start your day at the cozy South Pine Cafe (110 S Pine St.) with a lobster benedict or a spicy Jamaican tofu scramble. Then stroll the streets and stop into the shop Kitkitdizzi (423 Broad St.) for handcrafted goods unique to the region, vintage wears and local art “all with California gold rush swagger,” as stated by owners Carrie Hawthorne and Kira Westly. Surrounded by Gold Rush history, modern gold jewelry is made from locally found nuggets and is found at Utopian Stone Custom Jewelers (301 Broad St.). For a coffee shop with Victorian charm try The Curly Wolf (217 Broad St.), an espresso house and music venue with German pastries and light fare. A perfect way to cool down during the hot summer months can be found at Treats (110 York St.) , an artisan ice cream shop with flavors like pear ginger sorbet or vegan chai coconut. Nightlife is aplenty with music halls, alehouses or dive bars like the Mine Shaft Saloon (222 Broad St.).

    The Willo Steakhouse (16898 State Hwy 49, Nevada City)
    Along Highway 49, just west of Nevada City, is The Willo, a classic roadhouse and bar where you’re welcomed by the smell of steak and a dining room full of locals. In 1947 a Quonset hut (a semi-cylindrical building) was purchased from the US Army and transported to its current location, and opened as a bar, which became popular with lumberjacks and miners. The bar was passed down through the decades and a covered structure was added to enlarge the bar and create a dining area. The original Quonset beams are still visible in the bar and current owners Mike Byrne and Nancy Wilson keep the roadhouse tradition going with carefully aged New York steaks and house made ingredients. Pair your steak or fish with a local wine, such as the Rough and Ready Red, or bring your own for a small corkage fee. Check the website for specials, such as rib-eye on Fridays.

    Outside Inn (575 E Broad St.)
    A 16-room motel a short walk from downtown, each room features a unique décor, such as the Paddlers’ Suite or the Wildflower Room. A friendly staff and an office full of information about local trails, swimming and biking gets you started on your outdoor exploration. Amenities include an outdoor shower, a summer swimming pool and picnic tables and barbeques. Don’t miss the free vegetable cart just outside the motel in the mornings.

    Written and photographed by Beth LaBerge for the SF Weekly.

  • Arcade Fire at Shoreline
    Arcade Fire opened their US tour at Shoreline Amphitheater to a full house who was there in support of their album "Reflector," which was released last fall. Dan Deacon opened the show to a happily surprised early audience and got the crowd actively dancing and warmed up. DEVO was originally on the bill to support Arcade Fire but a kayak accident last week had sidelined lead singer Mark Mothersbaugh and the duration of the west coast leg of the tour. Win Butler did a homage to DEVO by performing Uncontrollable Urge.

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