For All Signs: This isn't the first time on record that April Fools' Day has fallen in the wake of Easter, but at none of the previous convergences was there also a splashy comet reaching its peak intensity -- let alone a comet that many conspiracy buffs believe is accompanied by a spaceship crammed with tricky aliens. Yup. This is the week the April Fool meets the Resurrected Christ meets the Comet Hale-Bopp in one freaky blowout bash. What can we expect? A mass conversion of atheist pranksters to Christianity? A new religion -- the Hale-Bopp Temple of the Whoopee Cushion? -- founded on a recently discovered gospel that reveals the Lost Jokes of Jesus? Maybe. On the other hand, we'll also be in the midst of a weighty conclave of the Sun, Saturn, and Venus. This could render your love life more meaningful and committed than it's been in months. Or else maybe heavier and more smothering than it's been. Or all of the above.
I urge you to prepare for this romantic showdown as you would for a final exam that's crucial to your graduation. You'll probably have no choice but to immerse yourself in a relentlessly profound exploration of your approach to giving and taking, so you should do all you can to make sure you're not just winging it. Given the goofy cosmic influence I mentioned in the beginning, though, it'll also help if you're willing to make fun of your most deeply cherished beliefs. And to mock your own tendency to take everything so damn seriously. And to be religiously comical toward love and humorously romantic about spiritual matters.
Aries (March 21-April 19): You're so strong you could single-handedly win a tug of war against a gang of elephants. You're so sexy you could arouse a tree. You're so interesting you could give a dramatic reading of the dictionary and draw a bigger crowd than God mud-wrestling the devil. You're so smart you could solve a personal problem that's baffled you for years. April FOOL! I lied about the elephants. (But everything else is true.)
Taurus (April 20-May 20): To atone for your sins of the past 12 months, I suggest you borrow the shtick of certain Filipino Catholics who every year around this time march in their bare feet five miles down dirt roads while wearing real crowns of thorns and slapping their backs with spike-studded crucifixes. April FOOL! On second thought, why don't you write a short note saying you're sorry to everyone you've hurt in the past year, and then buy a nice gift for yourself as a reward for the courage you've showed in admitting you were wrong.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): There's a good chance you'll soon be called upon to break up a fistfight ... or save a drowning person ... or rescue a baby from a burning building ... or pull off some other brave feat. April FOOL! It's true that this'll be one of your most fearless and heroic weeks on record. But the events are not likely to be physically dangerous. You may be called on to expose fraud and corruption, for instance ... or to utter the words you've been trying to find the courage to say for months.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): Your savings account will grow if you deposit money in it. Eating good food and sleeping enough may make you feel healthy. Trying to see the best in people just might encourage them to see the best in you. Deciding which two things in life you want more than anything else and giving them higher priority than all your other desires will bring you exactly what you need most. April FOOL! Life couldn't be that simple. Could it? April FOOLED YOU TWICE! Yes it could.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): I can't decide whether to compare your week to a Swiss army knife or a platypus. I'm predicting big teases, pure flukes, and kitchen sinks. There'll be beautiful messes, smart insanities, and bizarre standards. To meet the challenge, I suggest you learn how to be three places at once and all things to all people. April FOOL! Everything I just said was too mild. Multiply it by a factor of 10. Learn how to be 30 places at once.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Be stunningly groomed at all times, Virgo, and show off outrageously. This is one week when it's healthy to be devoted to sucking up love and attention. April FOOL! I don't object to you looking good -- in fact, the astrological aspects suggest you're just naturally foxy these days -- but the fact is that you should now be studying other people intently while discouraging them from prying too closely into your affairs.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Dazzle your love with exotic gifts like a prayer tree from the Ndebele tribe of Zimbabwe. Slip your love glamorous aphrodisiacs like the extract of tiger penis. Tell your love pretty lies that mystify and delight. April FOOL! Given the molten passions foretold by your current astrological aspects, overly precious gifts and love potions and exaggerations will be totally unnecessary. Instead, just feed your love blueberries by candlelight as you tell him or her true stories of the great adventures you're going to pull off together.
