Aries (March 21-April 19): As a self-taught rebel with no formal credentials, I probably sound hypocritical when I urge you to get yourself better certified and licensed and sanctioned. And believe me, I cringe as I imagine you trying to cram your unique talents into a generic niche. But frankly, beautiful, I can no longer stand to see you miss the rewards and recognition you'd be getting if you were willing to kiss just a little more butt.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): While at the zoo today, I stopped in at the Insect House. There I saw a sight that filled me with anguished empathy. A darkling beetle had fallen on its back and couldn't turn itself right side up. For 10 minutes I watched as it pumped its legs and rocked its body in a vain struggle to thrust itself out of its predicament. What made the experience all the more traumatic for me was that I couldn't help but be reminded of what you've been going through. Your situation is more hopeful, however. I know for a fact that some cosmic intervention will provide you with the necessary nudge in the coming week.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): Testimonies from satisfied Geminis are pouring in. "I plagiarized stuff from your horoscopes for my English class writing assignment and got an A," writes an anonymous Gemini student from Santa Cruz, Calif. "Your recent horoscopes were effective in boosting my patients' low self-esteem," says Gemini Art Hope, a Baltimore psychiatrist. "We used your latest advice to patch up our marriage," rave Geminis Ann and Brian Gilson of Vancouver. Thanks to them and to all of you who've sent praise my way. But truthfully, I don't deserve so much credit. I firmly believe most of you would have achieved wonders in the last six weeks with or without me. The proof: I won't give you any advice this week, yet I'm sure you'll cap your recent successes with a climactic coup de grace.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): Is there really such a place as hell? A few survivors of near-death experiences have reported that they found themselves in a fiery wasteland instead of the more commonly described tunnel of heavenly light. But then most of these folks admitted they'd been pretty nasty, unethical people before their NDE. I bring this up, Cancer, on the off chance that some of your less-than-saintly behavior has ticketed you for a trip to the infernal regions many years hence. You see, the next five weeks will bring you ample opportunities to cancel out and atone for the worst sins you've ever committed.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Wouldn't it be fun if there were places in the world that were as sacred to you as Mecca is to the Muslims? Wouldn't it be useful if there were sanctuaries so thoroughly imbued with divine grace that you'd be inspired to reinvent your life anytime you visited them? And wouldn't it be righteous if there were natural wonders where you could heal your heartache simply by being next to them? This is the perfect moment for you to hunt down such power spots.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): My Virgo friend Amy marvels that every night after she's argued with her boyfriend lately, she's dreamt of taking a breathtaking hike across the Yukon. My Virgo acquaintance Lane told me that only one thing kept him sane as he slaved away at wrapping up the affairs of his recently deceased father, and that was the fantasy of escaping on a three-week vacation to Tahiti. Then there's Margo, a Virgo astrologer I know. She loves the deluge of new clients whose charts she's been doing, but can hardly wait to take a break from talking astrological jargon and doing so much nonstop analysis. To these three people, as well as to you, I say: Your moment of liberation is nigh.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Those seductive sirens are enticing and wooing and tempting you again. And boy do they have a fabulous deal this time. They're really sorry, by the way, about the false advertising they used on the last occasion you floated their way. They've assured me they'll never pull the bait-and-switch routine on you again. How about giving them another chance? To prove how much they value you as a customer -- and how sorry they are for treating you like a sucker before -- they're offering their first two songs and dances absolutely free.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): If the average Scorpio in Bangladesh were to suddenly trade places with you now, she'd think she'd been transported to paradise. The abundance, convenience, and magical gadgets she'd have at her disposal would no doubt drive all dark moods out of her life for a very long time. Try to think of that now and then in the week ahead as you shake off the last of the bad luck that's been dogging you lately. Feeling gratitude for your blessings could have an almost miraculously tonic effect on your curses.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Lately you've been a spitting image of the mythical American cowboy Pecos Bill -- lassoing freight trains, wearing live rattlesnakes as scarves, cooking with lightning, and riding tornadoes bareback. The legends say Bill single-handedly dug out the Rio Grande, and no doubt there'll be comparable tales about you in the wake of your recent adventures. But now, alas, it's time to settle down, and maybe plan a few mellow nights singing campfire songs around the glow of the TV. I realize you may still feel the urge, like Pecos Bill, to put fish hooks and barbed wire in your whiskey to give it an extra kick. And you might even have been able to get away with that before. Do it this week, though, and you're courting indigestion.