The House of Tudor

Feeling the tax crunch? Have no fear. Those sick little fucks over at "Bondage A Go-Go" are ready and willing to supply you with some monetary relief. They ask very little in return, just a bit of self-inflicted humiliation, mutilation, and/or titillation. Everyone in San Francisco is invited to enter the "What Would You Do for $1,000 Contest." There are few restrictions: Contestants are asked only not to physically and permanently harm themselves, animals, or other people. This means no gunshot wounds or stabbings (though scarification is welcome). Says Trocadero Manager George Lazaneo, "We're basically looking for people who will tie their tits in knots or eat apples and shit applesauce." Host Corey McAbee will appear as the suited and suave Billy Nayer in an attempt to give the proceedings a passing semblance of dignity. Interested and/or desperate parties are required to preregister and sign forms releasing the club from any and all liability. Yahoo! You know it's gonna be good. The deranged and bored arrive at the Trocadero on Wednesday, April 23, at 9 p.m. Tickets are $5-7; call 995-4600. ... "Ladies and gentlemen, we interrupt this program to bring you an important message. What you are about to hear could cause considerable damage to your brain: the explicit sounds of demon rockabilly from hell." So begins Shag Squirt, the last album released by British psychobilly hellions the Phantom Rockers. For nearly a decade, the P. Rockers have stayed true to all things dear to the psychobilly heart: fast guitars, horror flicks, and sex (leave pinups and Caddys to the rockabilly punters; these cats need a harder fix). Songs like "Vampire Love," "Devil's Daughter," and "Demon Love" fortify the hair-raising impression left by the band's '89 release of Kissed by a Werewolf. Soon to be available in America through Rough Trade Records, Shag Squirt may finally give the trio some of the notoriety here that they have experienced in Europe. Don't be scared. The Rockers perform at a show held jointly between the Paradise Lounge and the Transmission Theater along with Incredibly Strange Wrestling, Deadbolt, Manic Hispanic, Los Infernos, Hayride to Hell, Damaged Goods, and Texas Manglers on Friday, April 25, at 9:30 p.m. Joint ticket price is $10; call 861-6906. ... There are those who would say rock is dead in the Bay Area. They point to talented "rock" musicians who play in cover bands in order to afford guitar strings. They squint at ambient, lounge, and electronica, thinking them menaces to the red-blooded rock 'n' roll way. There may, indeed, be reason for concern (cock rock seems all but dead), but rock music does still exist. Yet as the Oughts (the 2000 years) approach, rock must wear a highly integrated, hyperhyphenated, multitextural face. It's not bad, just a tad convoluted. To address these points and others, the Mills College Chapter of Women in Communications and Mills Radio present "Roll Over Beethoven," "a celebration of Bay Area rock 'n' roll past, present, and future." Panelists include Jon Carroll, former rock journalist and current San Francisco Chronicle columnist; Raechel Donahue, rock radio pioneer; Queenie Taylor, rock promoter and former assistant to Bill Graham; and Jet, producer at KUSF. Free-lance rock journalist Derk Richardson will moderate. Baron Wolman, author of Classic Rock and Other Rollers, will be on hand to sign his book, and Shana Morrison and Caledonia will supply a musical reprieve. Beethoven rolls over in the Mills College Student Union in Oakland on Friday, April 25, at 7 p.m. Tickets are $6-12 and proceeds benefit the Mills College Radio Fund; call (510) 636-7471. ... Those bluegrass-playin' Clampetts from Beverly Hills got nothin' on the Austin-born Bad Livers, ya hear? I mean, that Granny's pretty good on the jug an' all, but the Bad Livers got that banjo player, Danny Barnes, and he's a helluva lot faster than Granny; then there's that wily fiddle player Ralph White III (sounds like he's puttin' on some airs with that thar city name) and that cornfed boy Mark Rubin, who plays stand-up, not to mention guitar-picker Bob Grant. Of course they write all their own stuff, unless they're coverin' Motsrhead (whoever that is). Git it? Good. Go see 'em at the Great American Music Hall on Sunday, April 27, at 8 p.m. Tickets are $10; call 885-0750. (They also play Friday, April 25, at the Sweetwater in Mill Valley). ... Here, on the dialect-free side of the tracks, we implore you to grab your ascot and your best white shoes; put your finest bottle of Dom Perignon on ice; and get the help to wax the yacht. It is, after all, "Opening Day on the Bay," and we wouldn't want you to be conspicuously absent -- unless, of course, all you can afford is a 40-ouncer and a wife-beater. In which case, you are more than welcome to sit on the shore and watch from afar as 200 decorated recreational boats compete before a panel of judges well-versed in such things (or you can go to the Bad Livers). Opening Day takes place on San Francisco's northern shoreline on Sunday, April 27, beginning at noon. It's free to sit near the bay; call 381-1128 if you don't know where the bay is.

-- Silke Tudor

 
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