REAL ASTROLOGY For an Unreal World

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): I'm afraid this message was not printed on hemp paper with soy-based ink. And it would be a lie to say that no small animals were harmed in its creation, since I devoured a chicken sandwich two hours before composing it. So I hope you don't think I'm being hypocritical when I tell you your top assignments for the coming week. 1) Don't just throw away materials, ideas, and dreams that are no longer useful in their present form. Recycle them or use them as fertilizer. 2) Take steps to use energy much more efficiently, especially your own psychic energy. 3) Preserve, protect, and nurture your environment, especially the parts of it that have preserved, protected, and nurtured you.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): It's your choice. You could be the most creative person in all creation this week -- or just a plain old boring sex maniac. What'll it be? We here at the Real Astrology Libido Management Center encourage you to sublimate that hot stuff into beautiful works of art and business -- with maybe a boink here and there to stay primed. Not only would you be more likely to advance the cause of world peace in that way (not to mention strike a blow against world stupidity), you'd stir up more interesting problems and more original sins than you've seen in many moons.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Well, Aquarius, you're certainly not in any immediate danger from overdosing on narcissism. I almost wish you were, though. I can't help but speculate that your previous dearth of self-love might be healed by basking in way too much sweet conceit for a while. Would you do something for me? Would you go get a piece of paper right now and write down 10 reasons why you are such a blessed treasure? And then hug and kiss yourself as if you were greeting a long-lost lover?

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): If you surrender to the negative side of your personality, this week will be full of rapid mood swings, hemming and hawing, stealing from Peter to pay Paul, playing one side against the other, yo-yo dieting, and mixed messages about romance. If on the other hand you give into the positive side of your personality, you're likely to be successfully fighting for justice and equality, correcting lopsided arrangements that have been keeping you off-balance, brokering truces and negotiating treaties, and getting bullies to play fair and inspiring wimps to be brave.