REAL ASTROLOGY For an Unreal World

Aries (March 21-April 19): Here are my thumbnail descriptions of the roles you'll be best-suited for this week: a skeptical optimist whose revolutionary schemes prosper because you can pass for normal; an innocent truth-teller capable of gravity-defying leaps of logic; a cuddly extremist who is intensely dedicated to solving problems a few hours a day and playfully carefree the rest of the time; and a kibbutzer who shoves your nose in where it supposedly doesn't belong -- but oh so charmingly.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Why not ride a bicycle up a stairway to win a bet this week, Taurus, or ask an intriguing stranger for an audience? Why not sing bawdy hymns after midnight in a magic garden, and why not dream of getting a job in which you make money by being your most genuine self? Of all the weeks of the year, this is the one in which you'll receive the most cosmic Brownie points for entertaining cheeky dares and rambunctious adventures. Why not try what everyone's always told you that you'll never be able to do?

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Brian Raba, a Gemini reader from Reno, sent me the pithy sayings he's been trying in vain to get published. I'm sure many of you Geminis are feeling an impatience and frustration similar to Brian's. As a symbolic gesture of support for your tribe, I'd like to offer some of his wisdom. May it free you from your own curse. 1) "The only way out of hell is straight through it." 2) "The only cup which should be filled is the one which has first been emptied and thoroughly cleansed." 3) "If you cannot take any more, why not give just a little?" 4) "A broken heart is the only seed from which the human soul can be born."

Cancer (June 21-July 22): I dropped by the post office at 5 p.m. on April 15. Seven people were gathered at a table where income tax forms were stacked. They were examining the materials quizzically, as if they'd just remembered they had a big deadline to meet. I couldn't resist taking an astrological survey of these flagrant procrastinators. There were a Taurus, a Pisces, and five Cancerians. Later that night I summoned my Prayer Warriors and implored them to launch an intense round of daily incantations on your tribe's behalf. I knew there'd soon come a time when you could not afford to indulge your tardy tendencies. I hope their efforts worked. The day I foresaw has come. Make a bold new commitment to your dreams -- or else prepare to meet a nightmare.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): It's the third annual Brag Therapy Week -- for Leos only. During this grace period you're not just permitted, you're encouraged to boast. Have you ever tried to explain in exhaustive detail why you're so wonderful, and why the world would be a better place if everyone would just act more like you? It may not be as easy as you think to strip away your veneer of inhibition and brazenly proclaim the fabulous qualities about you that many people, including maybe yourself, have never fully articulated or appreciated. I invite you to send your outlandish self-promotions and cock-a-doodle-doos to me at PO Box 150247, San Rafael, CA 94915. If I choose your braggadocio as the best, I'll mention your glorious name in a future column.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): As I've observed you over the years, I've noticed that you tend to keep your emotional ledger running in the red. You seem to feel most comfortable when you're at a ratio of about 70 percent cynicism to 20 percent hope to 10 percent undecided. So I hope you won't freak out this week when waves of quietly joyful events wash over you, threatening to give you a reading more like 40 percent cynicism to 55 percent hope and 5 undecided.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): When I was on Geraldo's TV show a few years back, he asked me how I kept love spicy during those times when I was in a committed monogamous relationship. "Well, my man," I philosophized, "fantasy is the key. Like sometimes I pretend I'm the Pillsbury Dough Boy and my partner playacts Betty Crocker. Or maybe I'll make believe I'm Geraldo and she'll impersonate Barbara Walters." Though Geraldo went ballistic at this and ignored me for the rest of the show, I still think what I said that day is good advice -- even for couples who are just coalescing. What do you say, Libra? Are you up for some full-frontal comedy?

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Here's your emotional weather forecast. Expect thunder in the heart tomorrow, with partly comic skies and Hail Marys the size of cocktails. The day after tomorrow, look for clouds that resemble mythological animals like the phoenix, providing you with omens on how to rise triumphantly out of the ashes. The five-day forecast calls for highs in the millions and lows way below zero, leaving you precariously balanced on the icy-hot tip of a high-pressure front.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Astrologers regard your ruling planet, Jupiter, as having a benevolent, expansive influence. They say that it inspires visionary ideas and quests for truth and justice; that it breeds an eagerness to laugh and explore and gamble. I've found all these qualities in abundance among the Sagittarian tribe. Lately, though, I'm more inclined to compare you to a side of Jupiter I learned about not from astrologers, but astronomers. They say that Jupiter is the solar system's janitor. Its massive gravitation sweeps up cosmic debris, thereby saving smaller planets like Earth from the constant, punishing assaults of meteors. Doesn't that remind you of the role you've been playing lately?

Next Page »
My Voice Nation Help

Around The Web

©2014 SF Weekly, LP, All rights reserved.