Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): If your product or invention will ever in your life be selected to appear in a featured showcase on the shopping channel, it would probably be sometime in the next three weeks. For that matter, if you were ever going to dream up a product or invention that would eventually win a coveted spot on the shopping channel, it would be now too. Why am I so sure? The astrological omens say your financial biorhythms and creative brilliance are peaking simultaneously.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Despite my devotion to healthy organic food, I've always said that feeling guilty and stressed-out about scarfing down preservative-laden Twinkies is actually worse for me than eating the junk. Furthermore, I like to apply this principle to all my most high-minded pursuits. There's something about being fanatically, maniacally pure that's gross and defiling in itself. Please keep this in mind as you slip into the heart of the obsessive time of year.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): I'm going to tell you a story I read in Funny Times. Study it. Memorize it. AND THEN MAKE DAMN SURE YOU DO NOTHING THAT EVEN REMOTELY RESEMBLES IT IN THE NEXT FEW WEEKS! It seems that three performing dolphins made a clean getaway from their pens in an aquatic park in Key Largo. A few days later they resurfaced 20 miles away in a lagoon adjacent to a golf course. Every day at 10 a.m., 2 p.m., and 4 p.m., they assumed their stage personas and acted out all the tricks they'd learned during their former incarceration -- hoping, apparently, to be rewarded with food. Moral of the story (do I really have to spell it out?!): Don't drag your prison with you when you escape.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Lately you've reminded me of that CD by Lori Carlson called Everything I Touch Runs Wild. Your grace and delight have been overflowing like tidal waves of love potion. You've been a living, breathing magic spell that's awakened the groggy kundalini in innocent bystanders and intimate friends alike. Up until now, dear Pisces, most of your effects have been benevolent. If you'd like to keep it that way, I urge you to start reining yourself in a little. Start being a bit more discriminating about where you point your mojo.

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