Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Earth to Sagittarius. Earth to Sagittarius. Everything's fine down here. We couldn't be better. Actually, if you want to know the truth, life's a lot less chaotic since you've been gone. More boring, too, which is a drag, although it's also sort of a nice relief. So don't worry your gorgeous head about coming back down anytime soon. In fact, none of us here at ground level would really mind if you orbited out a little farther and stayed away a little longer. So space out as much as you want. That's it for now. Give our regards to all the alien life-forms you brush up against.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Have you ever heard of the book by John Stauber and Sheldon Rampton called Toxic Sludge Is Good for You!? It describes in gruesome detail the brilliant efforts of the public relations industry to trick the masses into believing that tobacco's not harmful, that there's no such thing as global warming, that we really don't need tougher drunk-driving laws, and countless other lies that help preserve the profits of huge corporations. I thought of the book as I was meditating on your horoscope for this week. Why? Because I believe you'll soon have to wrestle with a slightly tamer and milder version of the ingenious manipulators described in it. If you don't have a shock-resistant bullshit detector yet, get one immediately.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): It'll be a good week to formulate prenuptial agreements, initiate trial runs, and stage dress rehearsals for the leap of faith you're contemplating. It won't be such a good week to elope in the middle of the night or make rash decisions to pledge your faith until the end of time. Practice, pretend, and play, Aquarius. Don't cling, conclude, or commit until the end of August at the earliest.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): It is, of course, not much fun to be a captive or a vassal or a beast of burden. But the week ahead will be much better than most for any of you who are in a predicament like that. Maybe a powerful helper will slip you a key that'll make it possible for you to steal back your freedom. Maybe at the peak of your exhaustion you'll dream up a great idea that will pave the way for your release. Or maybe your heart will be graced by some divine tickle that'll rile you up with the most righteous, constructive kind of anger.

« Previous Page
My Voice Nation Help
Sort: Newest | Oldest
©2014 SF Weekly, LP, All rights reserved.