REAL ASTROLOGY For an Unreal World

Aries (March 21-April 19): How dare you be so gorgeous and irresistible? What the hell were you thinking when you made yourself into a sleek safe-sex machine that even innocent bystanders have sudden longings to take for a ride? Don't you have any sense of responsibility toward your fellow humans? They need to get something else done besides fantasizing about your luminous, inflammatory, enthralling presence! Show some mercy, you punchy provocateur!

Taurus (April 20-May 20): In a recent radio interview, a former remote-viewer for the U.S. military was asked how his personal life had changed as his psychic talents had grown. "There were secrets my conscious and subconscious minds had been waiting for years to tell each other," he said. "And as my telepathic power improved, I found they no longer wanted to wait." I thought of you when I heard that, Taurus. The barriers between your deep self and surface self are crumbling, too. In the coming weeks I predict you'll have an ever-increasing ability to read your own mind.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): One definition of insanity is to keep taking the same action over and over, but expect different results. Sound familiar? That's exactly what you've been doing lately. And yet your astrological aspects now suggest that it's prime time for you to kick this bad habit for good. Ah, but are you truly ready to do that? Many people can't bear to give up their relationship with the thing that drives them crazy; they don't know how to live creatively without the prod of chronic stress. Are you one of them? I'm betting you're not.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): I've always thought it's better if you don't know too much about me. How old am I? What do I look like? Am I married or not? I try to be fuzzy in providing details. That way you can concentrate on the useful information that comes through me rather than get distracted by my personality. I also believe it encourages you to freely exercise your imagination, which is one of my most fervent goals. This week, Cancer, I urge you to imitate the strategy I just described. Don't allow your style to overwhelm your substance. Let your actions speak louder than your charisma.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): To further honor the phenomenal growth spurt you're enjoying, here are more fabulous brags from my Leo readers. "I'm a kick-ass photographer," boasted Brooklyn's Merri Cyr, "and when I'm rich and famous I'll still return your calls." Bill Pec of Portland glowed, "I'm the only personal trainer that Oprah Winfrey's trainer met with on his book tour; was Gold Gym's Trainer of the Year; was featured in Soloflex and Honda commercials; have shirts, water bottles, and key chains imprinted with my logo." Bill Oliver of Pittsburgh: "Though I've contracted multiple sclerosis, my sexual skills, which were already great, have actually improved. During one 24-hour period, I brought my partner to orgasm 102 times." Mark Korzeniewski of Austin: "I deserve a huge hand for not only surviving

my totally destructive childhood, but blossoming in spite of it."

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): One way or another, you'll be channeling one of your past-life personalities this week. Will it be the miserable scullery maid from ninth-century Ireland or the sprightly entrepreneur from 11th-century Ghana? Will it be the violent religious zealot from 13th-century Russia or the wise and compassionate Buddhist monk from 19th-century China? I do believe there'll be more than chance at work in determining which ancient part of you comes pouring through. It may all depend, in fact, on how aggressively you scour away an old karmic blot from your current incarnation.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): As a harmony-inducing, network- lubricating Libra, you're a master of being all things to all people. One of your guiding principles seems to be: "Ask not what your community can do for you. Ask what you can do for your community." I applaud that quality in you, and wish more people had it. Having said that, though, I'd like to suggest that you spend this week balancing the ledger. Ask less what you can do for your community, and more what your community can do for you.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): I would really love to go out on a limb here. I'm tempted to predict that Rolex or Nike or McDonald's will soon offer you a five-year contract to become the global spokesperson for a new line of products named after you. And given the brazen promises your astrological aspects are making these days, I wouldn't be totally goofy to do that. Just to be safe, though, I'll be more conservative. I hereby prophesy that you're about to be offered an expansive proposal that you fear is beyond your capacity to fulfill. (It isn't.)

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): It's not a good week to wolf down Kentucky Fried Chicken under the nose of the Sphinx in Egypt or to buy a used didgeridoo from a white con man impersonating an Aboriginal elder. On the other hand, it's an excellent moment to e-mail a prayer to the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem or to muse on the Buddha's teachings while hooked up to one of those brain machines that uses high-tech sound and light to induce a deep state of meditation. In other words, Sagittarius, it's an excellent time to update and expand your notions of what it means to be spiritual.

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