Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Who was the greater saint, Princess Diana or Mother Teresa? Consider this argument. Teresa hyped and exploited her charity work in order to promote her megalomaniacal lust to be known as the holiest person on the planet. Diana, on the other hand, was a big star first, and used her fame to promote her acts of mercy. In other words, Teresa did good deeds in order to pump up her ego. Diana already had all the attention she needed; her beneficence was motivated by pure altruism. I mention this theory, Capricorn, because I want to urge you to be more like Diana than Teresa in the weeks ahead. If you distribute blessings with the expectation of a reward, they could backfire. Give yourself unconditionally, or not at all.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Yesterday a chupacabra from the planet Goofus (which orbits the star Wolf 359) sent me a telepathic fax, asking me to do her chart. (I use the pronoun "her" only for convenience. There are five genders on Goofus.) I telepathically faxed her back, informing her that the astrological system I use couldn't possibly apply over there in her neck of the galaxy. Nevertheless, she persisted, demanding that I describe all the signs we have here on Earth. As soon as I finished ranting about the Aquarian tribe, she meowed (or maybe it was more like an oink), "That's me!" So I beamed her the same advice I want to give you this week: Be open to possibilities that are wiggling on the edge between cosmic and comic.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): It'll be a great week to scout out attractive healers to lick your wounds, and to hang around people whose emotional IQs match their intellectual IQs, and to make rapid advances in your mastery of the language of love. It won't be such a good time to dare psychic vampires to entertain you with their tricks, or to invite charismatic jerks to reopen your wounds, or to fantasize about making love to movie stars. Believe me, Pisces, you don't need any love unless it's very, very smart.

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