Dog Bites

Wired for Action
From the looks of it, Roberta Jacobs, a consultant for Wired Ventures, is a hard woman to please. In this month's issue of Glamour magazine, for example (Dog Bites swears, it was the only thing in the psychiatrist's waiting room), she is quoted in the Jobs & Money section on what she demands from a personal assistant.

"I'm taking clients to lunch, and my assistant reserves a good table for me and tells the right people who I am. That way I don't have to pull rank to get extra attentive service," she says. Furthermore, it bugs Ms. Jacobs when she has to take notes for an employee. "Never walk into my office without a pen and paper!" she is quoted as saying.

Sensing a wonderful opportunity to get on Ms. Jacobs' good side, Dog Bites decided to call around to some exclusive Bay Area restaurants to get reservations in her name. Sensitive to Ms. Jacobs' preferences, we took notes. After a half-hour or so of performing this nasty chore, Dog Bites made a discovery: It could be difficult to work for Roberta Jacobs.

Dog Bites: Hello. I'm an assistant to Roberta Jacobs, the consultant at Wired. Can she get a table for 7 o'clock this evening?

Chez Panisse: No, we have no tables for this evening.
DB: Not even for Roberta Jacobs, the consultant at Wired?
Chez Panisse: No, we are absolutely full this evening. Besides, we don't even seat people at 7 p.m.

DB: When do you seat people?
Chez Panisse: Between 6 and 6:30, and between 8:30 and 9:15.
DB: Well, would you have any tables at those times, for Roberta Jacobs, the consultant at Wired Ventures?

Chez Panisse: No we wouldn't. We are absolutely full.
DB: Now this is Roberta Jacobs we are talking about.
Chez Panisse: I am sorry. We are absolutely full tonight.
DB: Even for Roberta Jacobs, the consultant at Wired Ventures?
Chez Panisse: Yes, that's true.
DB: Are you sure?
Chez Panisse: Yes.
DB: Goodbye.
Chez Panisse: Goodbye.

Dog Bites: Hi. I'm calling for Roberta Jacobs. She'd like a table for this evening at 7 p.m.

Flying Saucer: Sorry, we're all booked up this evening.
DB: This is for Roberta Jacobs we're talking about, the consultant at Wired Ventures.

Flying Saucer: I would love to book a table for her. But I don't have any tables.

DB: Not even for Roberta Jacobs, the consultant at Wired?
Flying Saucer: I understand sir; it's just that I don't have any tables.
DB: How about a little later. Could we try 7:30?
Flying Saucer: No, I'm sorry. We're booked all the way up until 10 p.m.
DB: So you don't think you could fit Roberta Jacobs in?
Flying Saucer: No, I'm sorry.
DB: OK.
Flying Saucer: (Click!)

Dog Bites: Hi. I'm calling for Roberta Jacobs, the consultant at Wired. She needs a table for 7:30 this evening.

Zuni: OK, may I put you on hold for a moment?
DB: Sure.
Dog Bites calls again (two minutes later): Hello. I need a table at 7:30 for Roberta Jacobs, the consultant at Wired Ventures.

Zuni: Tonight? We are booked.
DB: Are you sure you can't get a table for Ms. Roberta Jacobs. She's the consultant for Wired Ventures, you know.

Zuni: I am booked up, sir.
DB: This is Roberta Jacobs, of Wired.
Zuni: What does that mean?

DB: Well, I was thinking you might be able to make an exception, because this is Roberta Jacobs of Wired Ventures.

Zuni: Does she have a reservation?
DB: Uh, no.
Zuni: I do have reservations here, and everybody is just as important as the next person.

DB: This is Roberta Jacobs we're talking about, of Wired Ventures.
Zuni: I am booked up, sir. She is more than welcome to come in as a walk-in.
DB: OK. Thank you.
Zuni: (Click!)

Dog Bites: Hi. I'm an assistant to Roberta Jacobs, the consultant for Wired Ventures. Roberta's going to be coming by at 9:30, and I just wanted to make sure there's a table there.

Tosca: This is a bar, not a restaurant. There's plenty of tables. You know, people just come in and sit down.

DB: Well, this is for Roberta Jacobs, the consultant for Wired, and I wanted to make sure there was a table when she came in.

Tosca: There's plenty of high-powered people who come in here, and they just come in and hang out at the bar, you know. So I don't know if I can get her a table.

DB: I'm talking about Roberta Jacobs here. Surely you can get her a table.
Tosca: Who is she?
DB: Roberta Jacobs.
Tosca: What is she?
DB: She's a consultant, for Wired Ventures.
Tosca: And what is that?

DB: It's the publisher of Wired magazine, and it does some other Internet things.

Tosca: I don't know anything about that stuff. We don't have anything that's really plugged in here, except a pay phone. You know, George Lucas just called an hour ago and wanted to send a fax. I said, "We don't have a fax." I mean, you're talking to a real dinosaur.

DB: Well, she really likes Tosca's, and she asked me to get her a table.
Tosca: I got to tell you, I don't do this kind of thing; I got a lot of people at the bar. I don't know what to tell you. Tell me her name again?

DB: Roberta.
Tosca: How many people is she with?
DB: Three.

Tosca: OK, so she just wants a table, huh? Well, I don't usually do this, but I'll see what I can do.

-- Matt Smith