Aries (March 21-April 19): Happy Holy Daze, Aries! If I could give you just one holiday gift, it would be the map to buried treasure. Which buried treasure? You know, the one you lost so long ago; the "pearl" you swore you'd recover once upon a time. I'm afraid, however, that the cosmic powers that be won't allow me simply to hand you the secret map. They say that you have to earn the right to it. Maybe the best present I could bestow, then, would be a clue about how to finagle yourself into a deserving position. Here it is: Learn how to regard surrender as a power instead of a weakness.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Happy Holy Daze, Taurus! If I could give you just one holiday gift, it might be a pair of Moon Shoes, those minitrampolines you strap on your feet. They'd give you hours of practice in jumping and bouncing and soaring, which would be a great way to prime yourself for the exhilarating leaps of faith you'll want to take in 1998. You might be amazed to hear this, Taurus, since you are the earthiest of the earth signs, but get this: Defying gravity will be your specialty in the coming months.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): Happy Holy Daze, Gemini! If I could give you just one holiday gift, it would be the prediction that you'll receive a galvanizing credential, license, diploma, or certification in 1998. With all the certainty it's possible for a waffler like me to muster, I envision you shedding your "amateur" label and rising to a new level of professionalism. May you accomplish this breakthrough without selling (or even renting) your soul, my friend! May you deliver your acceptance speech in your own words, not those of automatons whose butts you had to buss.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): Happy Holy Daze, Cancerian! If I could give you just one holiday gift, it would be an instructional book by Peter Nelson called Treehouses: The Art and Craft of Living Out on a Limb. The author teaches you how to build everything from a kids playhouse to a stately palace in branches high off the ground. I believe this'll be a useful lesson for you in 1998, since you'll probably be up in the air more than usual. Besides, I've always thought you should try to master the art of creating a sense of home in unlikely places. What better time to clinch this talent than a year when being out on a limb will feel almost natural?
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Happy Holy Daze, Leo! If I could give you just one holiday gift, it might be a Little Red Riding Hood doll, or a beautifully illustrated book containing one of the versions of her story with a happy ending. This would serve, I'd hope, as an inspirational symbol of the encounter you'll have with the wolf in 1998 -- and your ultimate victory over the beast. It'll remind you, too, never to get so overconfident that you nonchalantly sing "Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf?"
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Happy Holy Daze, Virgo! If I could give you just one holiday gift, it might be a 1-pound chocolate replica of a human heart from the Anatomical Chart Company in Skokie, Ill. (It's available at 1-847-679-4700.) This would serve as a stirring symbol for all the delicious, heart-opening adventures you're going to have in 1998. Take note that this confection is not a cartoony Valentine shape. It's modeled after the actual organ now beating in your chest. Meaning: The airbrushed, cutesy-pie stuff won't deepen and develop your love nature in the year ahead; only raw reality will do.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Happy Holy Daze, Libra! If I could give you just one holiday gift, it would be a 5-foot-tall, heavy-duty vinyl inflatable doll with a sand-weighted base and great bounce-back action: perfect for bashing and pummeling whenever you're under stress. You see, my overly polite friend, 1998 will be a year when you will simply not be able to get away with swallowing your anger as much as you've been accustomed to in the past. Even more important, your very smashable doll will be a fine ally in what I hope will be your crusade to constructively transmute the backlog of disgruntlement you've been suppressing for eons.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Happy Holy Daze, Scorpio! If I could give you just one holiday gift, it'd be a poster called "How to Be Really Alive," designed by a vivacious spiritual cheerleader named Sark. (Order it at 1-800-220-7673.) Why this particular novelty item? Because I think you're primed in 1998 to slip into the most uninhibited and celebratory phase of your adult life. I believe you'll have more fun and create more joy than you imagined you were capable of. Check out this excerpt from Sark's poster: "Live juicy. Stay in bed all day. Dream of gypsy wagons. Find snails making love. Drink sunsets. Amaze yourself. Be ridiculous. Make yes your favorite word. Marry yourself. Eat mangoes naked. Keep toys in the bathtub. Spin yourself dizzy. Wear pajamas to a drive-in movie."
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