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Savage Love 

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Hey, Faggot: I met this guy through the personals, and we happily dated until I found out a couple of things:

1) He had a pregnant girlfriend.
2) He was cheating on me with someone else besides his pregnant girlfriend.
Now I just found out that I'm pregnant by him. After you stop laughing, tell me what to do. He says he wants to be in my child's life, but I don't really want him there. What do I do (legally) to get him to leave me alone, and what rights does he have as a father? He hasn't signed any legal documents yet.

Stupid

Hey, S: Men are not required to sign "legal documents" prior to knocking someone up in order to be considered the "legal father," at least not in the great state of New York. According to Frank Bogardus, an attorney with the New York Council on Children and Families, "If the man wants involvement with the child, he is legally entitled and can sue for visitation rights. If she doesn't want this man to see the child, she's going to have to prove in court that he is abusive or unfit." Even if he were to walk away, if you need any sort of public assistance raising this kid in New York, "paternity must be established, and she is going to have to deal with the possible consequences of that," says Mr. Bogardus. One of the consequences might be child support payments coming your way. Another "would be visitation rights for the father established by the court."

At this stage, proving he's unfit would be difficult: As the baby hasn't been born yet, he hasn't had much of an opportunity to abuse the adorable little moppet, has he? And, no, the fact that he knocked up two or more women at once does not render him "unfit" in the eyes of the law. You could deny he's the father, or falsely accuse him of abuse after the baby is born, or run away with the kid -- but these three roads lead to Hard Copy, Court TV, and Dateline, respectively, so you might want to think twice before you do anything devious. My advice? Learn to share, or have an abortion.

Hey, Faggot: I'm a model. I want to meet you. What do you say?
Tim

Hey, Tim: Thanks for sending me a page ripped from a fashion magazine -- am I to assume the model in the Versace ad is you? But if you included your phone number cuz you wanted a date, I'm afraid it wouldn't work out. I know you've never seen me, but trust me on this: I don't have the word "imbecile" tattooed on my forehead -- and not because it wouldn't fit.

Anyone can mail me a Versace ad ripped from a magazine and claim he's the model in the picture. If you wanna convince me that's your fine self in that expensive suit, you should've sent some Polaroids of your fine self in your birthday suit along with the ad ripped from the magazine. It's not too late, though: You could still send me a couple of Polaroids -- and if you include a self-addressed stamped envelope, I'll send them back to you immediately after my research assistant posts them on the Internet.

Finally ... how can I put this? This may come as something of a blow, but ... you're just not my type, Tim. Look on the bright side, though: You can always use this painful experience in your craft. The next time you have to create the illusion that there's a thought trapped in your pretty head, just remember this moment. Your brow will knit, the photographer will snap.

Hey, Faggot: I used to have fairly hard-core S/M fantasies, which I was very uncomfortable with, since I consider myself a feminist.

Then last year I went on Prozac -- right around the time I began to accept my fantasies (mostly thanks to my therapist, not the drug). About a month later, they completely lost their power! And while I no longer have S/M fantasies, nothing has replaced them. I used to masturbate to orgasm almost every night of the week: If I had insomnia, I would masturbate until I came and then fall asleep; cramps, same thing. Now I am lucky if I have one orgasm a month.

I know the female orgasm is a rather murky thing, but if you have any suggestions, I would be most grateful. I don't know whether it's the Prozac that caused my S/M fantasies to disappear, or if my "forbidden" fantasies lost their power when I accepted them. I tried fantasizing about things I really do think are gross, but they just seemed gross or boring, with no titillation. Any suggestions?

Lost My Edge

Hey, LME: Where have you been? It's pretty much common knowledge these days that Prozac is a dessert topping and a floor wax -- or an antidepressant and a chemical castration pill all in one. For the precise reason this is so, I called a great big mucky-muck in the psychiatry biz. While she was willing to chat with me, Miss Muck did not wish to be identified. "Prozac is an SSRI drug [Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitor], which conserves the amount of serotonin available in the brain," said Muck. This, as it turns out, is bad fer the ol' sex drive. "Serotonin affects all of the basic life functions, including feeding, sleeping, and sex. All SSRIs affect sex drive and sexual response -- some men can't get it up, and some women can't get off."

When I shared your letter with Miss Muck, she said "it was a pretty good bet" that your problems are due to the Prozac you've been taking, and not any breakthrough you may have had in therapy just before going on the Prozac. "She needs to consult with her practitioner and take a good look at her drug regimen. The best drug for her depression might not be the best drug for her sex drive."

Having had many friends on Prozac, I know for a fact that it can have a deleterious impact on a person's sex life. When I first met Kevin, my research assistant, I didn't know he was taking Prozac in wee fistfuls. All I knew was that this temp was very industrious and focused, and only seemed to think about sex when I asked him to do research for me. Shortly after I hired him full time, however, Good Kevin disappeared and Bad Kevin surfaced -- he'd gone off his Prozac in order to salvage his sex life. Now whenever I need him to look something up, he's locked in the bathroom with a laptop full of files downloaded from the Internet. Unfortunately, under the ADA it's illegal to fire someone for being a manic-depressive compulsive masturbator, so I'm stuck with Kevin, and I'm back to doing all my own research.

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  • Nevada City and the South Yuba River: A gold country getaway

    Nestled in the green pine-covered hills of the Northern Sierra Nevada is the Gold Rush town of Nevada City. Beautiful Victorian houses line the streets, keeping the old-time charm alive, and a vibrant downtown is home to world-class art, theater and music. The nearby South Yuba River State Park is known for its emerald swimming holes during the summer and radiant leaf colors during autumn. These days the gold panning is more for tourists than prospectors, but the gold miner spirit is still in the air.

    South Yuba River State Park and Swimming Holes:
    The park runs along and below 20 miles of the South Yuba River, offering hiking, mountain biking, gold panning and swimming. The Highway 49 bridge swimming hole is seven-miles northwest of Nevada City where Highway 49 crosses the South Yuba River. Parking is readily available and it is a short, steep hike to a stunning swimming hole beneath a footbridge. For the more intrepid, trails extend along the river with access to secluded swim spots. The Bridgeport swimming hole has calm waters and a sandy beach -- good for families and cookouts -- and is located 14 miles northwest of Nevada City. Be sure to write down directions before heading out, GPS may not be available. Most swimming holes on the South Yuba River are best from July to September, while winter and spring can bring dangerous rapids. Always know the current before jumping in!

    Downtown Nevada City
    The welcoming, walkable downtown of Nevada City is laid back, yet full of life. Start your day at the cozy South Pine Cafe (110 S Pine St.) with a lobster benedict or a spicy Jamaican tofu scramble. Then stroll the streets and stop into the shop Kitkitdizzi (423 Broad St.) for handcrafted goods unique to the region, vintage wears and local art “all with California gold rush swagger,” as stated by owners Carrie Hawthorne and Kira Westly. Surrounded by Gold Rush history, modern gold jewelry is made from locally found nuggets and is found at Utopian Stone Custom Jewelers (301 Broad St.). For a coffee shop with Victorian charm try The Curly Wolf (217 Broad St.), an espresso house and music venue with German pastries and light fare. A perfect way to cool down during the hot summer months can be found at Treats (110 York St.) , an artisan ice cream shop with flavors like pear ginger sorbet or vegan chai coconut. Nightlife is aplenty with music halls, alehouses or dive bars like the Mine Shaft Saloon (222 Broad St.).

    The Willo Steakhouse (16898 State Hwy 49, Nevada City)
    Along Highway 49, just west of Nevada City, is The Willo, a classic roadhouse and bar where you’re welcomed by the smell of steak and a dining room full of locals. In 1947 a Quonset hut (a semi-cylindrical building) was purchased from the US Army and transported to its current location, and opened as a bar, which became popular with lumberjacks and miners. The bar was passed down through the decades and a covered structure was added to enlarge the bar and create a dining area. The original Quonset beams are still visible in the bar and current owners Mike Byrne and Nancy Wilson keep the roadhouse tradition going with carefully aged New York steaks and house made ingredients. Pair your steak or fish with a local wine, such as the Rough and Ready Red, or bring your own for a small corkage fee. Check the website for specials, such as rib-eye on Fridays.

    Outside Inn (575 E Broad St.)
    A 16-room motel a short walk from downtown, each room features a unique décor, such as the Paddlers’ Suite or the Wildflower Room. A friendly staff and an office full of information about local trails, swimming and biking gets you started on your outdoor exploration. Amenities include an outdoor shower, a summer swimming pool and picnic tables and barbeques. Don’t miss the free vegetable cart just outside the motel in the mornings.

    Written and photographed by Beth LaBerge for the SF Weekly.

  • Arcade Fire at Shoreline
    Arcade Fire opened their US tour at Shoreline Amphitheater to a full house who was there in support of their album "Reflector," which was released last fall. Dan Deacon opened the show to a happily surprised early audience and got the crowd actively dancing and warmed up. DEVO was originally on the bill to support Arcade Fire but a kayak accident last week had sidelined lead singer Mark Mothersbaugh and the duration of the west coast leg of the tour. Win Butler did a homage to DEVO by performing Uncontrollable Urge.

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