REAL ASTROLOGY For an Unreal World

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): By the time of his death at age 66 in 1924, Sagittarian Joseph Conrad had become one of the most famous practitioners of English literature. Yet he couldn't speak a word of our native tongue until he was 25 years old, having been born Polish. I hope his example inspires you to take up the challenge that the cosmos is now nudging you toward. Are you ballsy enough to start mastering a subject or skill you've been virtually ignorant about up until today?

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): A majority of Capricorns who consult astrology columns want hardheaded advice about practical matters like money, love, work, and health. I hope I don't disappoint you, then, when I make the dreamy prediction that you'll soon have a rather mystical experience. If it's any consolation, I believe this communion with the unseen world could have unforeseen but highly beneficial consequences for your material-plane pursuits. It may not be so bankable that it'll reveal the lottery-winning numbers, but then again, it might. At the very least, it'll point you in the direction of how to build up your stock of love.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Let's pretend that I am the mirror from the fairy tale Snow White. And let's say that a highly competent Capricorn or mentally agile Libra comes to me one day and chants, "Mirror, mirror on the wall/ Who's the wisest of them all?" Wouldn't you love to see their faces when I murmur back, "Smart and savvy you may be/ But there's a wiser one than thee/ Fool on a Hill is who I guess/ Otherwise known as Aquarius." It's true, my friend. You're now in possession of the freshest, rawest, most uninhibited intelligence of the zodiac. You're a blooming fount of fertile chaos.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): No protection system lasts forever. The longbows of the English army, so effective in the early Middle Ages, lost their potency as enemies armed themselves with guns and cannons. Antibiotics, which have been the ultimate weapon against countless maladies, are now in danger of capitulating to mutant strains of bacteria that have developed a resistance to the drugs. And then there's you and your defense mechanisms, Pisces. After a slow, steady decline, the psychic armaments that worked pretty well for you for so long are finally about to poop out for good. Luckily, it's prime time, astrologically speaking, to start building a new set. Let's hope this version is more beautiful and comfortable than the last, and not as likely to treat friend and foe as equally suspicious.