Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Hey Speedy. Hey Ultrasonic. I hate to tell you this, but you're looking more and more like a hasty-headed maniac. You seem to be suffering from the illusion that you have the power to outwit time. But I've got news for you, Spitfire. What you're doing right now is sort of like trying to hurry a pregnancy. Did you ever hear the saying "You can't create a baby in one month by putting nine women on the job"? S-L-O-W D-O-W-N, Quick-Draw, and let nature do its job.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): A reader, Robin Pastorio-Newman, sent in a manifesto about the love she's in quest of. Since you Capricorns are in a ripe phase for redefining what you want from amour, I'm printing Robin's testimony for your inspiration. "I want brave love, now and forever -- love that demands courage and creates it. I want love that inspires me and my lover and everyone around us, love that's beautiful and makes all things beautiful. The kind of love I want is peaceful and passionate, stormy and harboring. It heals and protects, motivates and mobilizes. I want love that draws humor like lightning, and offers room to grow and change and age. I want love that will pay our karmic debts and leave a few dollars left over. And it wouldn't hurt if he or she can cook, too."
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): I hope you monitor your dreams, Aquarius, because this week's crop will provide the finest home entertainment since you successfully stormed the ice cream castle with the army of 10,000 flying cocker spaniels. There'll be a King Kong-size mommy who vacuums your filthy magic carpet. There'll be a saintly real estate developer who converts an ugly parking lot back into a hallowed Indian burial ground. And there'll be a Buddhist fairy godmother who turns a few loaves and fishes into enough grub to feed the hundreds of dreamworkers who're rebuilding your dreamhome.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Why settle for gut-rotting moonshine when you might be able to wangle a heart-awakening tonic? Why eat crow when you are still not sure what exactly your just desserts will be? The near future is rife with sudden reversals, my friend -- most of which will be in your favor. If I had to give you one rule to live by in the coming weeks, it would be this: Don't be too sure you know what's going to happen next. I mean, why suck up cheap black market thrills when wholesome, reasonably priced highs are almost within reach?