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Hey, Faggot: A group of friends and I were having a raunchy night out at a club in San Francisco. We noticed several blow-up dolls hanging from the rafters on the dance floor. A girlfriend and I yanked two down, deflated them, and snuck them out under our jackets.

My roommates and I have many laughs over our new pal "Dolly." He has a plastic-mask face with a mouth circled "O"-so-wide, an inflatable flesh-colored body no taller than 5 feet 2 inches, a solid, erect penis made of god-knows-what, and another gaping hole for rear access. Out of curiosity, I lubed Dolly's mouth and put my flaccid member in the hard, plastic opening. As my dick started to grow, it got trapped in Dolly's mouth. The ass entrance was just as tight and shallow. Now, I don't have a huge cock, so my question is: Who buys and fucks these things? Are these suckers simply party jokes or what? I pity the poor souls looking for human contact who have to settle for this poor workmanship.

I Kidnapped Dolly

Hey, IKD: To answer your main question -- who buys and fucks these things? -- I called Sex World, Minneapolis' Adult Super Store. The nervous male checker couldn't tell me how many blow-up dolls Sex World moves in a day, week, month, or year. Nor could he tell me who buys and fucks these things. All he would tell me was that female blow-up dolls are available on the first floor, and male blow-up dolls are in the gay section on the third floor. (When I asked if straight women ever came in to buy male blow-up dolls, he said, "Not likely.") So who buys the fine inflatable females at Sex World? "Men." What kind of men? "I don't know."

At this point, my unhelpful new friend passed the phone to "someone who could help me." The equally unhelpful Shannon told me, "Guys who buy dolls look like average people." Do they buy them to use for sex, or as gag gifts? "Some are probably for bachelor parties, but we don't ask. It's not our business." Do dolls come in different sizes? How much do they cost? "Come down here," Shannon said, making it sound like a threat, "and look for yourself. You can see price tags, how big they are, and who buys them." Then Shannon hung up.

Over at Broadway Books and Video, also in Minneapolis, James was a little more helpful than the folks at Sex World. Inventory practices, however, must be uniformly lax in the sex shoppe biz: James also had no idea how many blow-up dolls he sells. "They go from $49.95 on up," said James. "And a lot of guys who buy them do use 'em." For sex? "Yeah."

But if it's workmanship you're looking for, check out Abyss Creation's Web site at www.realdoll.com. Abyss makes and sells dolls. Not blow-up dolls, but solid silicone rubber dolls cast over a fully articulated skeleton. The "world's finest love dolls" weigh in at 100 pounds, and according to the Web site "can support over 500 pounds of weight." RealDolls don't come cheap: A standard "two entry" version will set you back $4,999, and the deluxe "three entry" model $5,249. Shipping and handling is another $400. But look at what your money buys: a mouth with "soft stretchy lips, ultra soft tongue, soft silicone teeth and a hinged jaw," vaginal lips that can be stretched, hand-sewn pubic hair, and breasts you can "press together to form cleavage." RealDolls are shipped wearing a minidress, bra, panties, and thigh-high stockings. According to Abyss' Web site, RealDoll customers include "futurists, artists, art collectors, film-makers, scientists, professionals, housewives, single men, couples seeking to enhance their sex lives, hipsters looking for erotic decorative art." And shock jocks. Howard Stern raved about his RealDoll: "The best sex I ever had! Better than a real woman!"

Sadly, Abyss does not make male dolls at this time, but they're working on it -- along with a she-male model (they can't decide if the she-male should have a dick or a dick and a pussy). Maybe when they have a male prototype ready, Abyss will ship it to me for a test drive, and post my testimonial on their Web site along with Howard's.

Hey, Faggot: Last weekend, three of us drank a few beers and took a hit of X. Two of us got nice and high while the third felt nothing. The two of us who got high hadn't eaten in several hours, while the un-high one had a piece of cherry pie. Also, the un-high person takes Prozac. Was it the Prozac or the cherry pie that kept our friend from getting high?

Marv, Rak, and Slappy J

Hey, MRS: Before I say anything, let me say this: We here at Savage Labs officially disapprove of the disgusting practice of using illegal drugs. Savage Labs also disapproves of the disgusting practice of wasting perfectly good X on people taking Prozac. Both X (MDMA) and Prozac affect serotonin levels in the brain, serotonin being the neurotransmitter released when, as James Brown says, you feel good. Prozac regulates your serotonin levels, making you feel pretty good and relatively happy. X, on the other hand, deregulates your serotonin levels, filling your brain with that sero-magic, and makes YOU FEEL GOOD! Prozac trumps X, however, preventing MDMA from working its magic. So if you're taking Prozac, don't take X, as that will be a tragic waste of good -- er, I mean, bad -- drugs.