Savage Love

Hey, Faggot: My problem is real and I hope you will treat it that way. I am 28 years old, a Libra, and gay, and I have been living in West Hollywood for the last eight years.

Lately, when I am having relations with another man, I feel that I am being watched and judged. I worry that God or angels are with me in the room and that they disapprove. I've never worried about these things before, and I wonder what issues are causing these feelings. I have always been spiritual, but this "I have sinned" feeling is new. Up until this point, being gay was always something I was proud of. What is happening to me?

A Struggling Soul

Hey, ASS: Here's what's happening to you: As the days fall away, bringing us closer to Dec. 31, 1999, there's a free-floating millennial anxiety in the air. Your subconscious picked up on that anxiety, it rattled around inside your skull with your pea brain for a while -- a pea already prone to crapola like astrology -- and ultimately that anxiety grew into a steaming pile of delusional horseshit.

Let me walk you through this: If there were such things as angels -- which there are not -- and if there were such a thing as God -- which there is not -- God and his heavenly host would have more important things to do than stand at the foot of your bed and watch you get fucked in the ass. Angels, despite the pop culture moment they're currently enjoying, DO NOT EXIST. When we watch Touched by an Angel, or sit in movie theaters watching City of Angels, we need to remind ourselves that it's all make-believe.

Don't feel bad: You're not the only person acting like a goon as the clock runs out on this millennium. The editors of Time magazine, for example, seem to think angels are peering over their shoulders. They recently ran a cover story titled "Angels: Do They Exist?"

So, if there aren't angels watching over you, what's up? You're unhappy with your life, and something about the relations you've been having with men bothers you. Since you're one of those people who grew into adulthood without developing the ability to process negative feelings, instead of looking inside yourself and taking responsibility for your life and whatever it is that's making you unhappy, you imagine Della Reese hovering over your bed making yuck faces while you give blow jobs. Are you with me? It's not that angels disapprove of what you're doing, but that you disapprove of what you're doing.

Since being straight is not an option -- at least it's not to any gay person who isn't willing to become a Jesus freak -- you need to find a new way of being gay, one that doesn't make you miserable. If the men you're having sex with make you unhappy, or the circumstances do, start having sex under different circumstances and with different men. Take responsibility for your life, and stop worrying about what Della Reese thinks. Trust me: Angels don't exist, and pretty soon Della Reese won't either.

Hey, Faggot: My last partner liked it doggy style. After many sessions humping like a bitch in heat, my lower back started bothering me. I think it was because of this position. Should your back be arched or relaxed? Could it hurt your back to sort of sit on your feet, resting your torso on your thighs, with your ass thrust in the air? My chiropractor is my father's partner, so I can't share intimate information about my sex life with him. But before I get on my knees again and crouch like a dog, I'd like to figure out what caused my discomfort. Do you have any idea?

Pained Poodle

Hey, PP: I called a chiropractor in Toronto who would only speak to me if I promised not to use his name -- so let's just call him Quack the Chiroprack.

According to Quack the Chiroprack, the position you describe involves a hyperextension of the lumbar spine. "And when there's a lot of pressure on the spine, the excessive force can cause abnormal rubbing in the spine," which is never good. So is doggy style a no-no? "There isn't necessarily anything wrong with doggy style, but if she was in pain afterward, there was probably too much extension of the girl's back -- her back was overarched -- and her ass was probably too high in the air." So next time you're doin' it doggy style, don't arch too much, and try to keep yer butt at a reasonable angle.

Hey, Faggot: I am a bi male. I met this guy, and we were messing around. He wanted to fuck me, but we didn't have a rubber. I said, "No way," and he was OK with that. Then he told me he was HIV-positive! Needless to say, I was shocked that he would suggest we have unprotected anal sex. When I questioned him, he said that it was safe because he was on the new drugs and his viral count was undetectable.

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