Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): I've ghostwritten a personal ad for you to use as your own, Sagittarius. It should help you attract the exact kind of co-conspirators the cosmic forces say you're ready for: "Imperfect but succulent braveheart seeks flawed but juicy daredevil for steamy kisses on the beach during hurricanes, long romantic walks on tightropes stretched over yawning abysses, and drunken, candlelit food fights followed by impulsive decisions to fly to Paris in time for breakfast."
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): This is a perfect time to meditate on the perfect truth that having power over other people is a worthless bauble (not to mention a karmic liability) compared to having power over yourself. That probably goes against everything you've ever been taught, though, so it might take awhile to reprogram your subconscious mind. If you succeed in this heroic task, I predict you will find a delightful new shade of meaning in Henry Kissinger's notion that "power is the ultimate aphrodisiac."
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): I'd like to thank the poet Walt Whitman for the first part of your horoscope this week:
Afoot and light-hearted, I take to
the open road,
Healthy, free, the world before me,
The long brown path before me, leading
wherever I choose.
Henceforth I ask not good-fortune -- I myself am
good fortune ...
Are you ready to make Whitman's sentiments your own, Aquarius? If so, I predict the open road won't lead you to a garden of delights, but to a perfect place to grow your own garden of delights.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Ronnie Pearson, the older boy who lived two doors down from me in Detroit, told me about the birds and the bees when I was 7 years old. Unfortunately, he garbled several essential facts. At my 12th birthday party, Nancy Raditz began to correct my misapprehensions. Since then, other wise females have steadily lifted me up out of ignorance and refined my understanding of the erotic arts. I bring this up now, my lustful innocent, because you yourself are about to be blessed with a major update in your psychosexual education.