Twenty Reasons SF Weekly's Ninth Annual Wammies Music Awards Were Just Like Any Other San Francisco Night
1) Outside Bimbo's 365 Club, an artcar created by Harrod Blank blares music for folks in line while a stilt-walker attempts to hop over autos.
2) The Rev. David Apocalypse is reprimanded by the SFPD for waving a floppy, foot-long, cartoon gun at passing cars. Apocalypse folds the gun in half and puts it in his pocket.
3) After placing an ad in the Wammies program reading, "We are very bitter we were not nominated," the Gun & Doll Show continue to display their disappointment -- and fine marketing skills -- by parking the eye-catching Gun & Doll Show truck across the street from the Wammies. Soon after, Gun & Doll Show flippers appear on the sidewalk outside the venue, with balloons and announcements for upcoming shows floating at eye level.
4) Inside, a deranged man in a cow suit forces local luminaries from the San Francisco music scene to wear bright red clown noses.
5) The Kuntry Kunts bring tears to a few eyes when they sing a song to the nominees in the Americana/Roots category.
7) Announcer Hal Robins is funny enough to cause margaritas to shoot out of noses belonging to well-dressed, otherwise civilized, people. He thanks Ace Auto Wreckers for supplying limo service to Circus Redickuless and plugs the "You Asked for It" game show six times.
8) Rabbi Leon supplies music on an exquisite handmade calliope -- "Stair-way to Heaven" during the Rock/Pop presentation, the "Superman Theme" during the acceptance speeches, and so on -- in traditional religious garb. Rabbi Leon is the rabbi who rocks.
9) Wammies host Chicken John hands out souvenirs that have first passed through his nasal cavity. He walks around testing drinks for poison.
10) Justinian the Armenian Rubber Man crawls through a tennis racket.
11) Insecta eats crickets, night crawlers, goldfish, and giant hissing cockroaches from Madagascar.
12) The Molotov Malcontent hangs weights from his penis and smashes broken glass in his face.
13) Things get ugly.
14) BAM columnist and super-nice guy Greg Heller co-presents the Hard Rock award. Beer bottles are hurled at the podium.
15) When Old Grandad accepts in the Hard Rock category, band members break the bottle necks and thank their lord and master, Satan.
16) Some brazen lunatic climbs onstage and steals an original sideshow banner created by Maya Hayuk. We have reason to believe it is a Beth Lisick superfan.
17) More beer bottles fly. So do grapes, profanities, and large quantities of spit.
18) The Aquamen thank their god, Jack Daniel's.
19) Me First & the Gimme Gimmes thank themselves and flip off the 300 other musicians in the house. When they take the stage a crazed Wammies fan rushes forward, throws a young woman to the ground, and grabs Mark Mortensen's drumstick. Chairs fly. The drumstick hooligan is attacked and subdued by three wild women in rubber who won't press charges but suggest the guy ought to watch his back.
20) Everyone goes home drunk, bloodied, and grinning.
(Perhaps free tequila wasn't such a good idea.)